Do you parent differently now?
I'm finding that not only was I exacerbating my codependent ways upon my AH, but also my teenage daughter. She just started junior year and the last two years have been horrible. I would check her grades daily (well she was failing!), I would be HOSTILE toward her because I knew she had it in her to do better in her classes, summer school was the same, trying to get it into her thick head if she just did the daily homework the scores on test wouldn't crater her whole grade. Then I started reading Codependent No More, and I have found I have really done a number on my daughter. I would check if she was awake multiple times, drive her to the bus (becuase she wouldn't get there on time if she walked), checked her grades, worked with her teachers, "rescued" her a few times when she didn't meet deadlines. This year? I LET GO....I know it's only Day 2 of her school, but she has gotten up on her own both days and walked to the school bus, all the while I was still in bed because I don't have to help my 10 year old until later. I am in HEAVEN! I hope I have the strength to not overly interfere and just let it ride. I will support her, ask her if there's anything that she needs for school, etc. but I have to let it go. It's hard because it's a private college prep high school, and I need to come to terms with what I EXPECT her to do with her life, and the actual decisions she makes. I have let go of the fact that she will likely not attend a big university upon graduation and it's OK if she goes to community college the first two years and gets great grades (as she matures) and then goes on IF that is what SHE wants to do. So I'm doing my best to parent positively and not get sucked into the whole I need to run her life otherwise she will fail mode. Wish me luck! I will need it!