I agree that you can't communicate with an active drinker. And I also agree that you can't have intimacy when trust is broken - I am there right now. My relationship is in basic shambles and I am figuring out what my next steps need to be.
But I think trust can be rebuilt. Last year through Al Anon we learned of a couples Al Anon/ AA meeting. We went with some regularity when my parents were living with me and they could stay home with the baby; after they left we still went occasionally when we could get a sitter. I have seen couples there that have been through hell and back and decided to stay together and work through the issues. Many have been coming to that group for years and credit it with saving their relationship. Some report that things are better now than they had ever been before. Each week either a couple from the meeting or an outside couple from the greater Al Anon/ AA community come to speak, and no issue is taboo - they lay out on the table how they rebuilt the relationship, good and bad times. I found it extremely helpful myself, it was like couples therapy and learning healthy behaviours from couples who learned how to use their programs for themselves and for their marriage. So I think it is possible, but both partners need to actively seek recovery and put effort into reconciling and it needs to be ongoing. It's not an accident that the couples still come back 20 years later - it keeps them putting in the effort.
When we separated, I believed it was over and he would be a drunk forever. For 6 months there was no contact. Of course he tried calling, but I wanted nothing to do with him. I even file for divorce. I didn't know about SR at the time, I wish I had.
I ran him into him and things changed from there...
He told me later about his how his life had become, drinking everyday stopping at the liquor store because 10 minutes was too long to wait to get the bar. He was lonely and miserable. I was like "Gooood Annnd"
I told him my life was the best it had ever been. For the first I stood on my feet. I busted my ass to supports kids. I felt empowered and strong. My life was good - it was great. And I didn't need anyone, I didn't want anyone.
Some people can change, they can stop drinking and have a better life. He wanted that- so made his choice and still chooses it everyday.
I lived my life while he fixed his - I listened to him and supported him. But he wanted to be sober. He was sick of being sick.
And I am still that person who I learned to be when I was on my own - cause I like her! She kicks ass!
Now we are both better people, of course we have moments, we're not robots.
We have trust (which always has to be worked), and intimacy and love.
Kinda like a real marriage. OH NO - BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!
I like come here to SR - it helps me stay grounded and strong. When old feelings creep in and I start to get scared or doubt myself. It helps me remember where I came from, and that I don't ever want to go back there.
Joselyn - things can change but you have to start with yourself. :ghug3