What do I do?
I don't even know where to start, there's so much thats led me to where I am now. I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He's an alcoholic. I love him, of course, and I know he loves me. At times I wish this wasn't true, then it wouldn't be so hard. When we met there was an instant connection. I knew he was trouble... or had troubles.... either way, when we started dating I never planned on staying with him. He is 10 years older than me and yet no further ahead in life, other than life experiences which by now I feel like I've heard all his stories and learned everything I could from them. He had a hard childhood with an alcoholc/abusive father and a codependant mother. i think because of our similar backgrounds we've been able to understand eachother better. I myself had an alcoholic mother and an alcoholic father that was killed in a car accident when he passed out behind the wheel when i was ten. So when i met him i knew right away that he had alcohol problems. What i found out in the following weeks was that he had just moved home because he had drug problems so bad that he had been on the streets. This scared me, but i thought he was getting better and would stop everything. For the next couple years I was so proud of him, he stopped all habitual drug use and cut his drinking from a 30 pack or more a day to 6-12 a day and it continued be less untill it was a 6 pack day (a bit more on weekends, or days off). He's had a steady job for almost the whole 5 years and primarily has always paid our rent so he thinks he's improved greatly and should be praised. I've been thankful and made more efforts than i wouls have liked to to show him how much i care.
I've read many books on alcoholism, taken college level classes about it, and researched it on the web. I know i'm codependent. I know i can't change him. And i know i can't deal with it for the rest of my life. I'm young, early twenties. I grew up surrounded by alcoholism and then chose a boyfriend that also surrounds me with alcoholism. I don't want it anymore. I used to enjoy having a few drinks with my friends, now i barely ever drink in fear of encouraging my boyfriend. I love him in such a way that i don't want to leave because i don't want his life to be worse. I'm afraid that if i leave he'll fall back into his old ways. I don't want him to be an alcoholic and i don't want him to feel alone and lonely. but the way it is now and has been for a year or more... i'm lonely. I see him in the morning, sober, for half an hour before he leaves for work. Then i spend all day looking forward to seeing him sober at night... then he comes home drunk 4 out of 5 days a week, the other day he's started drinking but has only gotten 2-3 beers in and is still tolerable, which he then makes me feel like i should be thankful hes not drunk. I feel like i don't have anyone. As i write this he's passed out on our couch, with shoes on, pissed pants, and a belly full of the dinner i had ready for him when he got home. I don't feel like i deserve this anymore. I want someone to want to spend time with me at the end of their day and to appreciate the love i have to give.
He's told me he wants to quit... but has never been successful for more than a few days, and his reason for starting back up is usually that i made him mad. He knows he has a problem, i don't think he knows how bad it still is. He's been in rehabs, he has 7 DWI's, he's been to AA meetings and knows all the steps. He says they don't help, that talking about it constantly makes him want to drink more. His last rehab he took the "Successful Completion" coin that they handed out at the end to the bar across the street for a free beer...
I don't know how to approach him anymore, I don't know if I should just move out, no word, no letter. Or if I should move out and tell him that if he gets sober we can get back together. Or if I should stay, and try to help... some other way. I don't know.
I can't live like this for much longer, it's not the life i want and it's ruining the life i have... Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love him, but I have to love myself too.