Old 08-19-2010, 08:15 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
silkspin
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
I agree it's a difficult concept, and I think only time/ practice/ learning help us really understand this. Very early on in Al Anon I called a member because I just didn't get detachment. I said I was upset at my AH yesterday but today I felt better towards him and wanted to hug him and could I because wasn't I supposed to detach from him? I was very confused. She helped by clarifying that if I have to, take my day minute by minute. If I am angry with him, I can express it and deal with the situation. Later that day I am feeling better and want to hug him, so I can. The anger of before doesn't have to infiltrate every other moment of my interaction with him; shouldn't prevent me from all other aspects of our marriage. That's the beauty of living in the present.

Maybe it helps to define detachment in terms of the opposite - enmeshment. Unhealthy codependent interaction is more like meshing yourself with the person - you are in their business all the time - what they're doing or not doing, how they're feeling, letting their moods be a barometer for yours, trying to fix their every problem, blow their nose if they sneeze. Even in a relationship without addiction, that's not healthy. Detaching still means that you can be a caring, supportive partner but in a way that does not encroach on someone else's emotional and mental territory. You allow them the dignity and respect of having their opinions, feelings, personality traits, quirks, weaknesses just like you have. For example, my AH doesn't ruminate about what I'm doing; he's always given me room to be who I am, pursue my dreams, hobbies etc. But I don't give him that same room. I go further by trying to tell him what I think he needs to do, place expectation on him of the spouse I want him to be, impose my own thoughts and opinions on his; wanting to know what he's thinking and evaluate those thoughts. He wants to spend a beautiful sunny day at the computer and I'd be saying it's a beautiful day, let's go shopping and shouldn't we get some gardening done while it's nice out cuz you never know when it's going to rain? In that example I'm not respecting his desire to spend his free time doing something he wants. I can garden on my own, no? But I'd have a huge tendency to want to do these kinds of things - get my way because I think I'm right or that's what we should do.

Melody Beattie in Codependent no more calls this concept Undependence. You are still dependent upon people in your life and they on you; your decisions aren't made in a vaccuum but taking into account others. Detachment, for me anyhow, tells me there is a line where I go from being a healthy partner to an overly-interfering one. And because I have so many ingrained codie characteristics, it feels normal for me and feels distant to be the healthier way. But like I said, with time and learning, it actually reveals to be a much better option.

When dealing with active addiction it takes a bit of a different flavour where I may have to be a bit more aloof. If he walks through the door and he's been drinking, I may excuse myself and go to bed, with no fuss or drama or calling his behaviour out. This helps me get the break I need (and him too cuz there's no point discussing anything when someone has been drinking) to avoid engaging in my codie behaviours and next day I can emerge to have a healthier exchange. So detachment for me in this case is from the drinking, not necessarily from the partner.
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