coffeedrinker

The timing of this is working for me. Although maybe I wouldn't be a mess if it had come years earlier...but, moot point at this moment.

N.L.I. and I have had very candid and honest conversations. Just today he shared with me that he is feeling a tad bit of ambivalence. "Not sure why, but I just want to be honest with you."
Now, the funny thing is, I have been feeling a bit of that on my side as well. (Although to tell the truth I think I do know why, and shared it.)

Why I said it was funny, was because as soon as I read those words (email) it felt like a kick in the stomach.

There is also something very personal that I said maybe we should approach as a discussion, and he said he isn't ready to.

Another kick. again.

So....the kick in the stomach part.
In my HEAD, I think, "he is giving you the honest communication you desire. He is not saying goodbye, or "let's take a break" or "you really bug me" but it feels that way. I feel rejected. I feel like, "hey do you know how terrific a person I am? Why aren't you crazy about me?"

So, it's ok for me to not be crazy about every aspect of who he is, but he can't feel un-crazy about my every aspect?

I'm not trying to hijack, but I have been ruminating about this, looking at it from a bunch of directions, trying to just be at peace with it all, working on acceptance....all day long. I have a ton of anxiety inside and as much as (again my head) says "you don't even know yet if this is the man you might want to commit to" I am spinning. Thinking "but he has so many great attributes." and "I don't wanna let him get away in case I do decide one day that I want to stick with him."

So, it could just be a human-nature thing, me wanting to be in the driver's seat (who doesn't) but I THINK it's this abandonment stuff triggering such an intense response. I've been holding back my horses for 9 hours but the scared little girl wants to call him - somehow seek reassurances.

God, help me. Susan Anderson, come to me. I need you!