Too bad we can't meet for breakfast. You already know your own answers, you just can't see the forest for the trees
CaliGirl.
why, oh why do I put up with this BS???!
Maybe because of this:
I am starting to feel guilty.
And this:
I feel like his family will blame me for this.......
And this:
because I worry if we divorce he will get joint custody & something will happen to them while he is drunk & they are under his care!
And maybe because you are unsure about this:
Do people drink because they are unhappy in their lives or do they just try to find someone/something to blame to justify their actions???
IMO, Recovery from codependence centers around recognizing, fighting, and overcoming Blame, Shame and Guilt. And learning Control, Acceptance, and some other stuff (like that technical term?)
Please go to Al-Anon. There you will learn these tools and many more to help you deal with the situation you are in with the alcoholic. For now, please know that blame, shame and guilt are MECHANISMS the alcoholic uses and we fall "victim" to, that keep us in the relationship and keep us enabling the alcoholic. They are a way of THINKING that create a way of FEELING and a way of BEHAVING. You have to un-learn them and get them completely out of your life. You cannot un-learn them if you do not recognize them or acknowledge you are using them. You begin to change these things by changing your perspective. You do that by any means a human being Learns anything. SR is a good start. Al-Anon is better. It's just not as convenient as SR.
About your "reason" for not getting divorced? It makes no sense. You would remain in a situation you want out of in order to continue to THINK that you have, or can have, control over something you have no control over? There is a lot of denial here also, hon. You had children with an alcoholic. You cannot change that. Now you want to try to control the alcoholic, control yourself, control the environment to compensate for the fact that the kids' dad is an alcoholic. I personally do not see that as a manageable way to live my life but IDK, maybe you are stronger and more resourceful than me.
In addition, when I read just the description of his behavior at the cook-out, I wonder if the kids' exposure to their dad's drunken, unhealthy behavior and ways of thinking and relating 24 hours a day, seven days a week, are not causing MORE damage than a possible accident that might occur while under a shared custody agreement that he may or may not even ask for in a divorce, or may or may not be granted by a judge some years in the future, or which may or may not occur on a bi-weekly or other visit that may or may not occur in the future. Whew!
Take care of yourself. Find an Al-Anon meeting
CaliGirl. Get some support from people in your community who will strengthen you.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico 