thank you so much for all of your responses. it has been a eye opener to read all of them, take a breath, and realize how right most of you are.
babyblue- your story especially hit home with me. thank you for sharing your personal story. i feel like you understand the feeling of wanting to be there in a healthy way, but needing to take care of yourself too.
UGH. this is hard. really hard. and i think i am going to go to therapy (and find a way or pay for it) because i really want to not be co-dependent. that is not okay. and i know it helps no one.
he wanted me to go to a baseball game with him and his family tomorrow, just because we always talked about doing it. and have a 1 on 1 talk session. as much as i wanted to (as a friend), i declined.
it is really hard now because he is in town for a month, and then he leaves for a good while for his job (like usual). so in the past i have always wanted to savor every moment i could with him, as it is usually only three months total out of the year. and i think that is a lot of the reason that i never spoke up about issues we had.
thank you again for all of your responses. it makes my mind a lot clearer, and a lot more focused. i woke up feeling like partially a free person. i know it will take time to get that other part free, but i have hope...