endlesspatience

Thanks so much for posting. Welcome to the Forum. I hope you will find plenty of support here. Do please keep in touch with us, not just when you're contemplating a crisis but also when there are other things you'd like to chat about too. We'll still be here in the happy times!

So, onto the main feature.

I am interested in what you have written about your relationship. The observations which follow are only based on what I can surmise from what you have said.

Firstly, you seem to be debating whether or not to continue the relationship. But I am get the very strong impression that your boyfriend has made up his mind. It is already over. He has been critical of the way you have been taking care of him (and perhaps other things too?). He is not dating you now. He is not asking you to wait - you want to wait until he is a changed person but that does not appear to be what he wants.

The problem is that this is a man who is not being honest with you or himself.

I base that conclusion on other parts of his behaviour. He wasn't honest with you about his secret drinking, was he? And even though he's been in recovery, he hasn't been following the steps in AA, which suggests he's not being honest with himself, his sponsor (if he has one) or the other members of the fellowship.

Then there's the issue of the ex girlfriend, with whom he is still good friends. Why is he still friends with her after dating you for three years? You claim he is "in love with the idea of what she did for him". Is it more honest to say that he is still in love with her?

He did not end the relationship with her properly and this pattern is being repeated with you. He keeps texting you so he doesn't feel "guilty" about separating. Maybe you'll cook him dinner sometimes, maybe you'll have sex with him when he's horny or lonely, maybe you'll keep telling your friends (and us) that he's a wonderful guy. I strongly suspect that the reason he kept hanging on to his ex when he was with you is because she did at least some of those things for him. I cannot be certain about that but it really does sound as though this man loves it when women hang on for him, whatever crazy stuff he does, including drinking. You chose to come to a forum on alcoholism for advice because your boyfriend is an alcoholic. So are we.

During my relationship with my last girlfriend, I kept up secret contact with the previous one. I also continued to drink secretly despite going to AA meetings regularly. Naturally, the relationship collapsed and as a consequence I found myself alone. My drinking got worse and I tried desperately to get my ex back. I was a real burden on her.

The Steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous programme tell me I need to hand over to a Higher Power, not a girlfriend. They also urge me to address my defects of character. Like your boyfriend, I am afraid of following the Steps properly with good reason. I'll lose the comfort of the drink and the clever, kind women who clean up after me.

I feel for you now, though. When a relationship ends it can bring intense pain which seems to blot out everything else. I will pray for you during this time of frustration and disappointment. Please try to take care of yourself and seek the things that bring lasting peace and joy.