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Old 08-13-2010, 11:55 AM
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Daybreak
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
Alias Charles Boyer?

Hello to all. I've been impressed by the quality of posts here. So I registered. What spurred me to register was yet another baffling episode of having the rug pulled out from under me -- less than two hours after stepping onto said rug.

I have been married to an alcoholic for 12 years. He's been incarcerated rather steadily so I've only actually lived with him for a total of 15 months. I have not divorced him because it was never critical that I do so --- and I was in love with Imaginary Husband, didn't believe Real Husband WAS the real person. My payoff was the illusion of someone who cared about me without the aggravation of having to actually deal with him.

I also do not come from an alcoholic family.

Well, he's out on parole again in a distant state. He got sober for eleven months. High hopes to build a new life -- new start, etc. On the phone to each other constantly. Started fighting. Some stresses surged up in his life. Started drinking again on Day 360. Moved in with another woman shortly thereafter. The sticking point for me on that (besides the agonizing obvious) is that he entered into this relationship, stayed in it, despite my passionate objections (because I became aware of it, thank you Facebook)--- WHILE he was sober --- WHILE he was praying with me every morning.

So -- it all came out. He went into detox. I started going to Al-Anon intensively. Got to a good place before he got out of detox. Made it all the way to acceptance -- knowing I'd probably cycle through the stages of grieving again -- but in a good place. Ready to get a divorce. Really ready.

Now I'm tangled up in this stinkin', stupid relationship again, but I don't want to be. I had a meltdown on the phone this morning (the nerve of me) and eventually there was an agreement that we would be transparent and honest and tender with each other. It was less than two hours before he was telling me he can't be open and honest with me because I over-react. (Specifically, he told me how bad he felt when I resist giving him money - and I have spent thousands of dollars on this worm.)

Then I got to thinking I feel as though I am being gaslighted. Just another way of saying manipulated maybe. But I wondered whether it isn't deliberate on his part to fake it and then break it. I wonder whether he intentionally sets me up to take me down. There's such a strong element of making me doubt my own memory and motives. I think so. I think there is a conscious exercise of malice. I daresay this wonderful insight has been reached by many a person here. But it has soothed my nerves to write it out.

If anyone reads this and has a thought or experience to share, that would be great.
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