transformyself

Hi Lisa, I'm glad you're posting and looking for advice here.

I'm thrilled you have the honesty and introspection to say this
I have spent much of my life chasing after men who don't want me. It's no mystery why, I'm an adult child of alcoholics and had no real love or support when I was growing up. Still don't, not from my parents at least.

So, I spent decades chasing after men who behaved exactly like your boyfriend. And I responded in this way: followed, wouldn't give them their space, made myself as charming beautiful and enticing as possible so I could hold onto the few moments of attention they gave me and simultaniously ignore when they weren't interested, telling myself, "He'll see. We're meant for each other."

I chased after AH. We had kids. He tried leaving the entire time.

I also felt like you, that I wouldn't be ok without him. That I would die, actually. I felt like I was dying.

I remember the moment I realized that the total despondency I felt about losing my husband was really due to the despondency I felt my entire childhood because my parents didn't love me.

One day, we were fighting about something, I was crying and he was mad. He left the house and I literally had to stop myself from running after him out the door and begging him to not leave me.

Then, I remembered the incident in my childhood when that had happened, when my parents were leaving me home alone and my mother was only angry with me. She didn't comfort me. She yelled at me.

That was a real turning point for me. No man, no person should have that power over me. Have the right to make me feel like a child running after and begging to not be left alone.

I gave it to him, that power, and didn't even know it. I blamed him. I begged him. I pushed him away with my neediness and gave away my power. He wasn't interested in spending time with me anyway and I was embarrassing myself by chasing after him, but I couldn't stop myself.

Now a days, when those feelings surface, I have a few tools to deal with it. I am uncomfortable, yes, but I know with is really going on-I"m giving away my power. It's not his fault. It's mine for not taking better care of myself.

Every time this happens to me now, I regroup and start spending more time on myself-making my own damn life better without him. and each time, I get stronger and better. I now do amazing things and if you met me in real life you wouldn't believe I was ever so needy and despondant. But I was.

I learned that I am more than ok without this man, without any man. Today, i can be alone. It's still hard at times, but mostly it's wonderful.

Keep coming back. Be brave Girl. Look at yourself. You'll only benefit from it.


YouTube - ‪How To Be Alone‬‎