Dear SR Friends:
You don't know me. Yet you all know me so well! For many months, I have been reading all of your wise, compassionate, warm, experienced posts. I'm so glad I found you all! I finally signed on today. I am so so grateful to all of you. Reading from this forum has been so helpful, so heartwarming, so encouraging (and yes, at times difficult and challenging). It feels like my story is being told and retold by many of you. You DO understand! I have cried and laughed and then cried some more reading your postings! I still haven't clicked w/ the Alanon meetings, even though I have found many people at the meetings to be warm and kind (and just seeking the same things I am: inner peace and serenity amidst addiction of our loved ones). This forum has helped me deal with my situation. I am a typical codie (repeats myself often and provides lots of context--kind of like what I'm doing now!). . . Sorry for how long this is!
My husband has been in recovery since March of this year (five months). A year ago, I took our then 3-year-old and left because there was no other way (I had hit my limit, my bottom) so I thought. I felt emotionally and physically beaten. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I couldn't focus on my work. I felt terrorized (even though my husband is not a violent person) by his drinking and other substance abuses. I felt a violent rage within me developing, which frightened me. A year ago today was a sad and hopeless time for me. Although over the past 10 years my husband was primarily drinking, smoking marijuana, and abusing various prescriptions when he was able to get them, in our early years of dating he was addicted to other hard drugs (to this day he has never told me what and I have never asked). When he was still drinking & smoking marijuana combined with available prescriptions, he would say, "I have kicked harder drugs than this. I can quit alcohol and pot anytime I want." of course, when he had any prescriptions, they were okay because they were "doctor-approved."
Early in our dating, I attended an Alanon meeting but it was too painful and I left never to return. . . until this year. I thought I was different. I thought I was stronger! I had accomplished so much in my personal and professional life (and have seen others overcome great challenges/odds) that how could something as "solvable" as alcohol and drug addiction stand in the way of my love for my addict? There are success stories everyday! Forget Alanon! I'm going full-speed into the arms of my addict! (I was warned by friends and family who said, "You will age. You will grow resentful. You are choosing the hard way. You deserve better." As always, I took that as a challenge. Just watch me! I'll show them.) . . . 15 years later and finally with our gift from the heavens (my child), I surrendered. Addiction was more powerful! I was wrong (and I was relieved). . .
We have been together for 15 years and separated for a year. I didn't want our then 3-year-old growing up in a home filled with unpredictability, instability, chaos, anger, resentment, the presence of my husbands' choice of drugs (I include alcohol as a drug too). If she couldn't have a healthy father, at least, I wanted our daughter to have a healthy mother. It took my husband another 6 months of near collapse and emotional/physical deterioration before he was "coaxed" into a residential program, which then started his road to recovery . .
I felt such hopelessness and despair. I was at a point where I knew there was nothing left for me to do. No amount of love. No amount of support. No amount of understanding/compassion. No amount of knowledge of addictions. No amount of anger. No amount of resentment. No amount of the silent treatment. Not even our daughter, a precious gift, we waited and waited to have! Nothing could get through to him. Did I feel guilty? Yes, of course. (I read a wonderful book on addictions,
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. The author advises loved ones of addicts that guilt is not helpful but if you MUST choose between guilt and resentment, then choose guilt (but do not stay with the addict and then continue to resent him/her. Just leave and carry the guilt, if you must). I knew (very painfully) that I was not in control of his addictions. I didn't like feeling hatred, anger, and resentment. I had to admit defeat. I had to surrender. I felt ashamed. I felt weak. I felt like a failure. All I could do was remove myself and my daughter from this environment. (If I didn't have our daughter, I probably would've stayed and stuck it out with him because I could just bury myself in my work like I did before. Over the years, I advanced quickly in my career, thanks to unhealthy relationships and "denial" but I grew more and more lonely). I wanted more for my daughter. She deserved more! I didn't want her to be a caretaker, an enabler, a savior, a daughter of an alcoholic, and I wanted her to one day find a true partner with whom she could share an equal, normal relationship, not like the one her mother and father had. (I wish I could've seen that "I" too deserved more but it took my daughter for me to see the light, finally).
I felt I really understood addiction well (both intellectually and experientially) --how all-consuming and powerful it is. I had compassion for my husband for years and years (and continued to enable). As I saw our daughter grow from a baby to a toddler (a miracle), I started to want my husband to fight for me and our daughter (fight the addiction, fight for his sobriety) the way he defended his drinking or pot-smoking with such vigor and passion. When he didn't (or couldn't), I knew I had to leave. Although we hadn't had much contact the first few months after I left (he just "checked out"), I could see when we did see him, he was getting worse and worse. I was a mess too (still couldn't sleep or eat). It hurt to see him falling apart. BUT, the truth is, as his enabler for the past 15 years, I never allowed him to get to where he needed to in order to get the help he so needed. I didn't help by trying to be that "soft place for him to fall." About a month before he went into a residential program, I started to check up on him a few times per week. I was afraid that "the next time" I would find him dead. I didn't want my daughter to lose her father in such a way. Increasingly he was unable to get out of bed most days (I was scared but also relieved that he wasn't on the road). His family members would check up on him as well. (We took turns). I wanted to know what his bottom was. Did he even have a bottom? Was death going to be his bottom? Was this his bottom, finally? (Jail, law enforcement, death, etc. never phased him. He has had DUIs and legal troubles in the past. It only served to justify why life is unfair and not worth living/thriving until old age). I was looking for a sign from him (anything!) that said, "I want help." He never said, "I want help!" but he did say to me in his drunken haze and stupor, "This is not what I am about. I'm going to show you!" I took that as a cry of help and willingness to get help. It was the closest I ever heard him ask for help. I know this is not advised, but I called up rehabs and then took him to a wonderful program that allowed me to do so as long as my husband was informed and consented. I begged him to just "check it out." The counselor (a recovering addict himself) sat with me and my husband, asking all the right questions. My husband resisted, but not much. I think he was "surrendering." I think he wanted the help. I think he was tired of his life as it had become. (Of course, I could've been wrong about him wanting help, but at this point, I didn't care. I just begged him to try rehab.). We went back to get his clothes. He packed his stuff and we returned. From the moment, he got there, people (the other patients as well as those who worked there) welcomed him, helped him take his stuff in and assisted him. The night I dropped him off at a residential program and knew that he would be safe (at least JUST FOR THAT NIGHT), I was able to sleep. I thanked my HPs for that night. I tried not to think about the next day. Each day passed and he seemed to really like what he was learning and getting at the residential program. He met some good guys in there. They meet up sometimes and offer each other support, even today. His family and I went to all of the family meetings and we too got a lot out of the program. My husband stayed for almost a month (insurance wouldn't approve past a certain stay). He actually wanted to stay a a little longer. He did his 90 meetings in 90 days enthusiastically after he got out. The residential therapist told him, "If you drank everyday, you gotta go to a meeting everyday!" He did go everyday even after the 90 days were up! He goes to his AA meetings several times per week (4 to 5 times). The Marijuana's Anonymous meeting doesn't seem as developed as the AA (so there are fewer choices). He seems to really enjoy most of the meetings (which makes me very happy). It also encourages me to work on myself and my recovery! I will never forget the people at that residential program. I still think of them--all of them recovering addicts themselves (from the therapist to the counselors, etc.). When we were leaving one of the guys who works there said to me, "Your husband knows what to do!" (When I feel scared or worried, I remember those words. It's not up to me to worry. I must give him the dignity as you in this forum have taught me and to trust that he learned what he needed to learn from the residential program. That gives me solace and helps me work toward my own serenity. I don't have control.) The folks in the residential program and the work they do are making a difference! They made a difference in our lives. This is the codie-in-me talking: what I appreciated was that they didn't make me feel like, "You need to stay out! This is not your recovery!" Although they did call me out on my co-dependence and my need to focus on myself, they also allowed the family to get involved appropriately, recognizing that family support and family healing are all part of everyone's recovery (including the addict's)! I really appreciated that! There is a place for the family in recovery (and the family must recover, separately & together, simultaneously). They gave us hope where none existed!
What I have learned from all of you on this forum is how important it is for me to give my husband the dignity to address and work on his own recovery and to let the process --any process-- play itself out. It is hard sometimes. I get impatient. I want immediate results and answers. When he first came out of the residential program, I was still meddling and wanting guarantees. I wanted him to feel okay, all the time and not want to revert to substances. I wanted to be guaranteed that we are out of the woods. I want to have a "normal" relationship of mutual respect and partnership with my husband. It seems very possible now that he isn't drinking. (But I must also accept the reality that he will always be an alcoholic/addict. When it comes to addiction and its effects on our lives, my only focus must be: just for today. I can not constantly worry about my addict's addictions if I am to recover myself). I know that the possibility of "relapse" looms large at all times . . . I keep telling myself and learning from all of you that I must give him the dignity to work on his recovery. IF he relapses, that is something he has to work on with his HP. I will be on this forum, reading and learning from all of you so I can deal with whatever happens or doesn't happen! I don't really "work the steps" but I know there are people/beings that I must make amends to. . .It's not just the addict who behaves badly and irresponsibly. I am sorry to those whom I have hurt (including my husband).
In addition to my husband attending his meetings and myself reading from this forum (and attending Alanon/Families' Anonymous when I can), my husband and I will be starting counseling together. I am looking forward to that. I want a life with my husband. He is still early in his recovery. (I love my husband sober and present! We go on dates now. He can sit still and wait. Yes, he gets into a funk sometimes, but I know he is struggling. When he does, I work on my serenity (saying the serenity prayer). I'm sure it's not easy to quit something he has done daily for the past 18, 19 years). My dad hasn't had a drink in 24 years (I'm the daughter of an alcoholic as well). I know there are times it crosses my dad's mind so my husband (having been a much heavier daily drinker than my dad, coupled with other substances, w/ only 5 months of sobriety), must struggle with it daily (or possibly several times a day).
Even though it has been a year since I left (the chaos and craziness that accompany addiction), I am still not ready to move back home (I really miss my home and desperately want to go home!). I am still in process (my husband is still in process). Reading your posts has also taught me that I will know when it is time.
For now, I will give my recovering alcoholic/addict husband the dignity to work on his recovery. I will be kind to myself and others. I will work on being the best mother (and family member/friend) I can be. I will allow my HPs to guide me through my own recovery.
Thank you, my SR family (long-winded and high-context as ever in codie-style)!
yorkiegirl