LaTeeDa

Hello and welcome. What a great post. I can feel your clarity.

First, let me say that there is no "right" or "easy" way to do it. I think taking action is way more important than the "how" of it.

That said, here's what I did. I told my husband that I could no longer stand to live in the same house with him. (yeah, not exactly gentle and calm, but I was at the end of my rope.) He said he had as much right to live in the house as I did and he wasn't leaving. So, I told him that was his choice, but I could have him forcibly removed by legal means if that's what it took. Also, I was willing to do whatever it took, since I could no longer stand living with him.

So, if he agreed to leave, I would agree to hold off on filing for divorce for six months. That would give us both some time to work on our own issues, get counseling, or whatever. I never told him he could come back if he stopped drinking, just that I would re-evaluate the situation in six months.

It was actually more like eight months when I finally saw some positive changes and agreed to "date" him again, in hopes of saving the marriage. I had been in counseling the entire time. He had just started. We tried to work things out for another six months or so, without cohabitating. Neither of us wanted to do the on-again, off-again thing to the children. (Who were also in counseling the whole time.)

Anyway, it didn't work, and I ended up filing for divorce. By the time it was all done and final, we had been separated for over two years. By that time, much of the anger and resentment had been processed and we came to a peaceful agreement regarding custody, property, etc.

Again, not saying this is the "right" way to do it, just telling you how it worked for me. If I could change anything, it would only be to have done it sooner. (I, too was married for nearly 20 years. My children were 9 and 13 when we separated.)

Here's wishing you a happy and peaceful new life and hoping you find the support you need here.

L