I see a lot of red flags when you talk about the beginning of your relationship.
Originally Posted by
Summerpeach 
When him and I first met, we were friends only. He was so open and honest with me about his life. He was still in contact with his ex at the time we met, but since we were just friends, I thought he was just working out his issues with her.
They were only together 9 months and he moved in with her 2 months after his wife cheated and left him. So it was a rebound. This girl was a messy addict and he left her because she was physically abusive to him.
One of the reasons I started to fall for him was because he was so honest with me.
The two ex's before him were HUGE liars so this was refreshing.
He never hid anything from me.
It's a huge red flag when people spill all at the beginning of a friendship or relationship. Often, people do it *so that* you'll think they're honest and not question them about stuff, because after all, they're so honest! Have you ever read the stuff on Heartless B1tches?
When I left him for 2 months 2 1/2 yrs into the relationship, it was because he said something really mean to me one night on a really bad day I was having. His apology was sad and I asked him to leave. He left and I ended it with him
A week later I asked him to come get his stuff when I got home from work and he did, but while I was at work. He came into my home, read my journal and took the tank off the bbq and he said only later when we got back together he did this because he was sure I left him for another guy.
He could not compute I left him because his words were abusive.
Emotional unavailability and irrational jealousy.
And then here, you're justifying his actions:
He always had a hard time trusting me from there, so he acted out. When he stopped drinking, it got even worse.
He always looked for female attention because he was insecure and because I added to it, but when I was on his pc once and saw he was on some site, he was talking to a few woman, but all the chat was clean. He just needed female attention.
If he had a hard time trusting you, that was his problem, his $hit to deal with. This is all justification for a huge lack of boundaries in a relationship. Even if the chat or whatever was clean, this was hugely disrespectful to your relationship, and probably set a path to cheating. Boundaries in a relationship to protect the relationship are essential.
In the last year, I would tell him "You and I have no future, you're not a good father, I'm only with you because I'm afraid to be alone"
Every time I would leave him, I would come back and say "I need to stay because I hate to be alone" he would say "I'll do whatever makes you happy"
GOD I FEEL SICK ADMITTING THIS! I was abusive as well. I never meant to be abusive, I was angry! ANGRY!!!
I just don't want to believe he is a monster like like my other 2 ex's or this is just a guy in pain, trying to make his way in life without his drink.
I am not making an excuse for his cheating, NOR will I take blame, but I am responsible for breaking him down.
So you're sick too. You didn't want to be alone. You said some $hitty things. And you say you won't take blame for his affair, but then you say you are responsible for breaking him down, i.e., setting up the conditions that led to his affair. I'm sorry, but no. That's all on him. An affair happens when people have characters defect issues and a lack of boundaries. I can tell you that nothing in the world would make me cheat on my husband. Even when we had problems in our marriage, I still had boundaries. I didn't go out with guys until the wee hours. I didn't text with any guys. It just was not ever acceptable to me. If you were an abusive a$$hole, he could have left you. He could have suggested and attended counseling. He had a million options that didn't involve ripping out your heart. The cheating is on him. Do not take blame for this for one minute.
He's been faithful to AA and not had one drop of booze. He is a doting Dad who struggles with being a single Dad. He would tell me all the time how scared he is. How hard he find life to deal with.
He cheated because he said "It felt good and he loved the attention"
This is not the reason he cheated. This is his justification for why he cheated. There is a huge difference. As I said, the reason people cheat is because of character defects and lack of boundaries. A healthy person doesn't need some strange woman to feel good and get attention from. A healthy person in a relationship doesn't let it get to the point that some strange woman gives him attention, because he has boundaries in place to protect his relationship. If his relationship gets rocky, he pays attention to the relationship in order to fix it, or he decides it's not fixable and he leaves.
I was RAGING, then my friend said to me last night "when you cheated on the love of your life (my ex of 11 yrs), did you not do it because you liked the attention"
BOING, reality!
I cheated because I was emotionally weak, because my ex neglected me, because I needed to feel loved and beautiful. I had an affair for a year and fell in love with a married man and would have left my ex for him.
yet I sit here and crucify my ex for having phone sex and needing to feel needed.
Again, those are not the reasons the you cheated, those are your justifications. It is not your ex's fault for neglecting you. Nothing justifies cheating. You always have the choice to leave. I am glad you understand your current ex's problems, as I think that can help you to deal with your own. You should try to figure out why you really cheated. Like, dig deep. I think when you say you needed to feel loved and beautiful, that's a good start. But why? Why would a creep who was married to someone else make you feel loved and beautiful? Why would anyone be necessary to make you feel loved and beautiful?
I am wondering if all of the justification you are doing for your current ex has anything to do with the difficulty of facing your own problems and the fact that you did the same thing he did. Are you going to justify him so that you too can be justified?
Also, why was this guy you cheated on the love of your life? I'm curious as to why you would say that when it's over and you have a whole life ahead of you.