I've had so many thoughts and emotions the last 12 hrs, my head is spinning.
My mind is wondering to places that don't even make sense.
My last 2 ex were monsters once everything was revealed and I'm starting to wonder if this ex is a monster as well, or I'm just projecting from the other 2 ex's.
This ex has a real issue with needing female attention. He has an issue with being very sneeky. He has major self esteem issues and he's super insecure.
He's an addict, who doesn't drink.
He's an addict who stopped drinking and I saw he was trying to make himself better.
When him and I first met, we were friends only. He was so open and honest with me about his life. He was still in contact with his ex at the time we met, but since we were just friends, I thought he was just working out his issues with her.
They were only together 9 months and he moved in with her 2 months after his wife cheated and left him. So it was a rebound. This girl was a messy addict and he left her because she was physically abusive to him.
One of the reasons I started to fall for him was because he was so honest with me.
The two ex's before him were HUGE liars so this was refreshing.
He never hid anything from me.
For the first two years, my gut never felt any bad thoughts.
We had our issues but they were not major. He was a pain, but a good guy.
Never fall down drunk, always worked, always took care of his kids.
I did a few things to push his buttons and cause mistrust in him. He was insecure, I wasn't and I had male friends, I was a flirt and he wasn't use to that. I totally freaked at him for getting into my business. I looked like the sneeky one, He stopped trusting me
This is when the verbal abuse started.
When I left him for 2 months 2 1/2 yrs into the relationship, it was because he said something really mean to me one night on a really bad day I was having. His apology was sad and I asked him to leave. He left and I ended it with him
A week later I asked him to come get his stuff when I got home from work and he did, but while I was at work. He came into my home, read my journal and took the tank off the bbq and he said only later when we got back together he did this because he was sure I left him for another guy.
He could not compute I left him because his words were abusive.
He always had a hard time trusting me from there, so he acted out. When he stopped drinking, it got even worse.
He always looked for female attention because he was insecure and because I added to it, but when I was on his pc once and saw he was on some site, he was talking to a few woman, but all the chat was clean. He just needed female attention.
In the last year, I would tell him "You and I have no future, you're not a good father, I'm only with you because I'm afraid to be alone"
Every time I would leave him, I would come back and say "I need to stay because I hate to be alone" he would say "I'll do whatever makes you happy"
GOD I FEEL SICK ADMITTING THIS! I was abusive as well. I never meant to be abusive, I was angry! ANGRY!!!
I just don't want to believe he is a monster like like my other 2 ex's or this is just a guy in pain, trying to make his way in life without his drink.
I am not making an excuse for his cheating, NOR will I take blame, but I am responsible for breaking him down.
He's been faithful to AA and not had one drop of booze. He is a doting Dad who struggles with being a single Dad. He would tell me all the time how scared he is. How hard he find life to deal with.
He cheated because he said "It felt good and he loved the attention"
I was RAGING, then my friend said to me last night "when you cheated on the love of your life (my ex of 11 yrs), did you not do it because you liked the attention"
BOING, reality!
I cheated because I was emotionally weak, because my ex neglected me, because I needed to feel loved and beautiful. I had an affair for a year and fell in love with a married man and would have left my ex for him.
yet I sit here and crucify my ex for having phone sex and needing to feel needed.
As you can see, my mind is all over the place. I am numb, scared, tired and sad. really sad!
Just sharing in hopes of making sense by just typing this