Guilt Ridden
I went through a LOT with my xabf, and it all hurt very badly. All of the times he had me chasing him bar to bar, passing out in my house, embarrassing me in front of my family, lying for months on end, ect. But on the other hand he was never physically abusive, and very very rarely emotionally abusive (until after our breakup.) Most of the pain was from his actions and from me being so upset that I wasn't important enough to him.
Today I looked back into our relationship and had to face the awful realization that even though I wasn't the alcoholic, I was a monster too. I was verbally abusive in that when he disappointed me I screamed, I get this from my father and hate every second of it. I called him a piece of $hit and every bad name in the back, countless times. I made him feel worthless I'm sure. I also was physically abusive. I would get so mad that he was trying to manipulate me, or that he was drunk, that I hit more more than a handful of times. I scratched him too. He was a big guy so I never actually hurt him but that doesn't matter.
I just cannot believe how awful I was myself. He was an alcoholic yes, but if it's possible to make the situation, or his drinking worse, I'm sure that I did just that. I am going NC so I am finding it really hard not to just call him and tell him that while I am still strong in my convictions that we should not be together, that I am so sorry for how awfully I handled my end of our relationship. I know however, if I did ever tell him that, he would see it as me taking sole responsibility as to why our relationship fell apart and maybe even as an invite to get back together. That's not what I want, but I don't know how to let go of this guilt and I am so disgusted that I allowed myself to be such an awful person in the midst of our relationship. I have no right to complain about all the wrongs that he did to me when parts of me were just as bad if not even worse. I had to get this out in the air to SOMEONE, anyone, just to maybe find a little relief.