New here, never been in this situation before
I just found this site, and just finished reading a thread started by BadChoices. After reading, I realize I am in the same place she is, but with a long distance difference. I want to share my story…from the beginning. I’m sorry it’s long, and if you can read through it, I would really like to read your thoughts. Good and bad.
In late October of 2009 I accepted a friend request on Face Book from a man I was in the same High School with. (High School was 18 years ago) He remembered me well because of a business my family owned in town. I remembered his name but needed to pull out and old yearbook to remember his face. He now lives in Florida and I live in Massachusetts. There were a few comment’s back and forth for about a month and one day I sent him a message in response to a post about wanting some coffee syrup. I had access to it and thought it would be nice to grant a wish. I asked for his address and sent it. We began to chat every once in a while and I thought…WOW…what a nice guy. He was genuine, open, honest, sensitive, and I liked it.
Over the months I learned that the mother of his child was his drinking buddy before they got into a relationship and had a child. (child is now 4) She had left him at some point. Just called him at work one day and told him it was over took the child and went back to live with her parents. I don’t know the reason, I never asked. I have learned that she has a drug problem. I learned that he had been in a very bad car accident that crushed his ankle and he now had metal rods in his right leg, and his ankle is fused and he walks with a limp. I also learned that he was drunk when this accident happened (2 years ago). I learned that he had a suspended license, fines because of it, and he relied on rides to get to work and back. I learned that he lives with his very ill parents because after paying child support and medical bills due to the accident (He started his current job only 2 weeks before the accident and his medical had not begun yet), trying to get his fines paid to re-establish his license, and helping out his parents he would have a very hard time living alone. I could tell that this man loves his family and his daughter whom he has with him every other week.
I continued to think that he was a wonderful man. A man that loved his family and I began to love our chats. Every once in a though I did notice that his chatting was a little bit discombobulated, some of these chats were late at night and he had mentioned a few different times we were chatting that he was drinking. I never thought anything of it because I did it too. It must have seemed to me that it was becoming more often than not so one Sunday in April I came right out and asked he only came on FB to chat with me when he was drinking. He got very defensive…telling me he couldn’t believe I thought that way of him and a few other small comments I don’t remember what they were. I left it alone and we didn’t chat all week (only saw him on briefly 1 time during the week). Friday night he sent me a very long apology saying that he was so sorry for the way he treated me and it had bothered him all week, more so than any argument he ever got into with his daughters mother. He told me I was right and he had been overdoing it lately. I was touched by our chat that night, and the next night I admitted I had feelings for him. He said he had a certain love for our time chatting and he looked forward to it, but because of the still difficult heartbreak with his child’s mother, and the fact that we were so far apart it scared him and wanted to take things slow and see what happened. I thought sure no big deal and I had no problem with that. We chatted a bit more frequently, and had a few phone calls…the first of which I think he had been drinking.
Fast forward a few weeks…we send back and forth a few text messages…he seems really excited, and we was flattering me, and he had been thinking about us and couldn’t wait to talk that night. He never called. I was crushed because I was sitting on the top of the first hill on the rollercoaster only to crash. The next day I got a message about having that conversation. I told him I wasn’t into that kind of rollercoaster ride and I didn’t want to talk that night. Later I got a text saying there had been a big argument with his daughter’s mother and he ended up going to a restaurant/pub with a co-worker. He accidently left his phone at work. He was so sorry he let me down. Please don’t burn our bridge of communication and he wanted to help me through my disappointment. (The argument was earlier in the day…he must have been texting me from the bar.) He called that night, and I didn’t want to answer…but I did. He was drinking, had had a big argument with his father and was spending the night in a local hotel. He talked I listened, and felt better when we hung up.
Over the next few months we talked almost every night. We decided that I would come to visit him and plans started to be made. He also started to tell me more about himself. I learned that at one time he was the Cheers “Norm” at a bar/club in our home town…had his own chair and all. Joined a dart league, and experimented with cocaine with a few members of the team, but ended that pretty quickly. He told me that he had a problem with pain meds after his accident, but was also able to end that. I learned that he frequented a gentleman’s club in a nearby town. (I thought it not uncommon for a single guy to do that so it wasn’t a big deal to me) He told me that both his mother and ex gf said the he could be verbally abusive. A few weeks before our trip he told me that before he moved to Florida he got a DWI.
All the things we talked about were not bad. He is intelligent, caring, open, sensitive, and honest. Sometimes he was so honest he would surprise me with what he would share. There were a few phone conversations where I couldn’t tell if he had been drinking or not. Thing is I felt very comfortable with this man and I think that was because of his honesty…but boy was I in for a shock.
August 2 I get on a plane to go visit him.
He met me at the hotel and we rented a car and drove to our destination. (about an hour and a half) It was comfortable. We talked, we laughed. We checked into the hotel, left the bags in the room and went to explore the place. We ended up at the pool bar to have a drink. I'll say were at the pool bar for 2 hours. I had a mixed drink and a little later a beer. I was hungry and didn't want to drink too much. He had a beer and a shot...then another beer and another shot...then another beer and another shot (I lost count). I dragged him out of there (trashed) to get something to eat. I found out later that he didn't even remember going out to eat, or ordering my dinner for me while I went to the ladies room. This is just my first few hours there, never mind later that evening. (I drank too, but not to excess)
Tuesday we had a nice day...we went to a local landmark, we made arrangements for the next day’s activities. Went back to the hotel to get ready for the show we had reservation for that night. Went to the show, shared 2 volcano bowls and had a good time. After the show...yep...we went out and had even more to drink.
Wednesday we went to the day’s activity and yep...he drinks. (We went deep sea fishing and I realize that some people like to drink when they fish. I'll give him that much.) After fishing we went back to the hotel to clean up and go back down to the pool bar and he drinks some more. I had a couple of beers too. Later on we went out and drank some more.
Thursday we went packed up, went for a very quiet breakfast and a very quiet hour and a half back to the airport. He stayed with me at the airport until I had to get through security and go to my gate. While we sat there he asked me what I thought about us. I didn't know what to say and I don't remember what exactly I said to him, but I know we both said we wanted to try for this relationship.
There were moment's I wasn't very happy with...I wanted to go across the street from our hotel to the gift shop to find something for my daughter and he said he was going to go next door to the gift shop to have a drink in the gentleman’s club...he said he was curious. One of the nights we were in a bar he actually leaned over to tell me something about looking at the bartender’s boobs and the boobs of the 2 girls sitting next to him. Both of these examples happened when he was drunk.
He called me the next morning after I came home and told me he spent a lot of time thinking about me and that he was sorry for all the drinking and that it wouldn't happen again. He said he loves me so much and he wanted me to see the real him not who he was on our trip. He said he would do anything to make us work, and told me how much he loves me and cares about my daughter
My points...I'm left wondering who this man really is. He was very honest with me prior to the trip about his history with alcohol, but I thought that was over and that he was just an occasional drinker. The more I think about it the more upset I become about the whole thing. I know that I need to accept some of the blame because I could have said something, but I didn’t…and I don’t know why. I did sleep with him and now don’t feel very good about that because of the condition he was in. Now that I’ve been home for a few days and have had a chance to think…the pieces fit. I’m sad because I thought I’d finally found a sweet caring, and honest man.
Again…I’m sorry it’s long. I just want you all to have all the information…maybe some of it you don’t need, but… I think I already know what you all are going to say, but I want to hear it all anyway. Also, maybe some kind ways I may be able to distance myself, yet still support him, (when he returned from out trip he learned that his daughter’s mother needs to move to TN and has petitioned to take the child with her. He is devastated right now and is trying to find ways to keep his daughter and also I never witnessed him drinking around his daughter we have had several conversations while she was with him, and I know he loves her with all his heart. He even mentioned a book one time that was suggested to him “Strong Fathers Strong Daughters”. I bought it and sent it to him weeks ago and he has mentioned some really great points in that book to me.) and maybe some ways I can break it off gently. Thanks in advance…I appreciate it more than you know.