Hi Tantalus
It's been a few day and not a lot of responses.
I actually waited to say anything myself, because your situation is quite scary. And to tell the truth way out my league as far as advice goes.
But...
One thing I can say - is you don't have to suffer. You have done all you can. You put in your time - paid your dues - all of it.
You are not required to give up your entire life and any chance of having happiness.
Your wife is very very sad- but she is grown woman and must be responsible for her life, or ending it even if that is what she wants.
She makes her choices and you have the right to make yours.
It's called FREE WILL.
Good luck - keep posting and reading
christie