My brother was a drinker, for about 15 years. It was like a merry go round; recovery, messing up, repeat. He always thought that a new place would change things. Wrong. My guess is that the situation with your husband's mother will go bad after a little while. He'll probably run her into the ground. My bro has done it to my mom, except for the last year or two. Hey, it's gonna be hard right now, no doubt about it. Nothing is a waste. I'm sure there were good times in those 19 years, and some valuable lessons. You don't sound pathetic, and you aren't pathetic. You have to be strong now. I think you answered your own question when you asked why do you want him back. It's because you don't want to be by yourself. You have some choices to make. I think time away is good right now. There's nothing in your situation to make him break the cycle.