The pain you feel right now is grief, Phoebe, and it is something most of us have to walk through to get to a better place. It hurts right down to our soul and it feels like it will never end and our world will never be okay again...but I promise you that it will, in time.
He uses, he blames you...getting him back would not be the prize here, it would only prolong the agony.
You haven wasted 19 years, you have lived them, shared life with your family and children, and hopefully learned from them.
We cannot change the past, but the future is whatever we choose to make of it. We can repeat our past mistakes and learn the lessons all over again...or we can walk through the grief and then prepare for wonderful new beginnings, a little wiser for the journey.
Sending big hugs because you sound like you need them. Just keep taking those happy breaks away from the pain, and one day you will wake up and find that the world is a beautiful place once more.
Hugs