sesh

I understand this completely. And I don't think it is sick at all, I think it is most natural, we are all social beings, we all like to live in harmony with others, but if we're keep trying to do this since young and if we're not getting results, than we are bound to feel confused, and wonder what do we need to do to make it work. And since when living in dysfunctional family nothing seems to work, we start to think it is us, it is our fault, that we have missed out on few of life's greatest lessons: what is normal. So we are stuck, mainly because we are trying to find a normal "operating mode" in the circumstances that are not normal.

I find the way to deal with this is by asking questions and deciding to act; to make a choice and act upon it.
Like right now what you're doing (and what I did all my life) is trying to please everyone, but sadly you're not pleasing yourself. You fear you might disapoint and lose your family, but by keeping things this way you're disapointing and losing yourself. So if you look at it this way it is no win situation. Whatever you do someone is bound to be disapointed. I know it seems that way, but after crossing that bridge I know that is not true. You're acting in the way you were thought how to re/act by your life circumstances. But I think the important thing to remember is your family wants you to be certain way bacause they think it is the best, they don't know it, they think it. You can prove them wrong.
For me it was really hard to decide I want to take care of myself, as my hurting was almost not a big of a deal for me, I mean it was, I kept hurting; I kept talking about it here, but it wasn't enough of big of a deal for me to actualy do something about it, to stand on my ground and act accordingly, as I feared I'll hurt someone, my kids, my RAH, my mum. I desperately needed everyone to be happy. The idea of them being in pain (maybe bacause I know all too well what does it feel like to be hurting) was another of my fears. But than I realized they're hurting anyhow: my kids are hurting bacause I'm miserable all the time, my mum too wants me to be happy (of course she has her controlling ideas on how I should acheive it) and she's sad I'm not, and my RAH was miserable too, as we kept fighting, and we were like hostages in this marriage.
So what was I doing exactly: I was prolonging the agony.
I guess the best way to describe this is to say: All my life I was just reacting, trying to keep that boat steady, trying to minimize the damage, trying to keep all those balls in the air, as I figured if I manage to make everybody else happy I'll be happy too. It doesn't work that way. So now instead of reacting I decided to act, to continue my analogy: I decided to move that boat away from rough waters, to drop those balls on the floor (so nothing left to juggle any more), and to make myself happy. Once I did that everyone around me became happy too. I can not begin to tell you about the change in my kids. Only now I realize the only thing they ever really needed was for me to be at peace, to be happy. As now they don't need to guess any more what normal is.
I think it all comes down to expectations, we all have this high expectations of others, like when finally being honest with myself I discovered I was really passive agressive too (like the rest of people in my life) I kept doing what they wanted me to do (or better to say what I thought they wanted me to do), but in the same time I was acting in a way Look at me, I'm doing everything for you, and you're not doing what I want you to do, so I'm so miserable bacause of you. I resented them (my RAH and my mum) because the way I was reacting to them. How crazy is that???
Life is simple: if you don't want to do something, than simply don't. You can't make life to be the way you want it, but you can make the best of what you have.
I always use to think too If I do this, if I say NO,... than this and that will happen (major catastrophy usually), I always thought I knew the outcome, I can predict the future, turns out I don't I only think I do. That's where the little faith comes in handy. I relized I can't know what will happen if I act, life might just surprise me, but if I refuse to act than I maybe do know: we're all staying stuck.
As I said in the beginning it is about making choice: staying where you are, or taking that leap of faith, allowing the possibility for something good to happen.

PS Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, or angry, but writing about all this makes me a bit angry with myself bacause it took me so long to realize all this, as now all this fels just like a plain common sense.
Give yourself time to get there, it seems to me you're asking all the right questions.
I wish you well