Hi
I am the husband of a serial relapser. My 47 year old wife of 10 years has been in rehab many times - and for 34 weeks in the last 21 months. She also self-harms and has over-dosed on medications several times in apparent suicide attempts. She has two children at home - the youngest 18. She has been seeing a psychiatrist who specialises in alcoholism for some months.
My wife had a big drink problem long before I met her but I think it has become worse over the years we have been married - although she did manage three (almost) sober years on Antabuse.
After 3 months sober she has relapsed again recently and is in a bad way. She also crashed her car last week and is being charged with DUI. This is her second offence in 10 years so she will get a long ban (at least 36 months).
My BIG ISSUE is that, apart from the obvious problems I have, I am concerned I am now part of the problem but unsure what to do to avoid further damage.
Despite telling me she depends on me and that she would have spent her life in jail without me, my wife tells me that (a) she no longer trusts me over money (she spends it like water so I have to keep an eye on it which she resents) (b) I am always angry and (c) she tells lies about her behavior because she is frightened by me
As far as (b) and (c) are concerned I am not really surprised to be honest. I have long been at my wits end over her behaviour and the humiliation it brings. I don't need to describe here the kind of things I have been through because you will have too (ask me sometime about the occasion it took the police and I a week to find her car after she abandoned it to drink). And - yes - it makes me angry and I react.
So - maybe it is in both our interest for me to move out and move on - but the problem I have is that any time previously we have discussed me moving out, she has over-dosed and I have had to pick up the pieces. Only today I caught her on a chair, with a necktie round her neck, trying to find something to tie it to.
I have tried to my best over the years even though I am probably not the easiest person to live with. I have ignored her affairs, paid off her bank and credit card debts repeatedly, paid over $100000 for rehabs, paid for psychiatric help - and taken responsibility for the house and my step-children.
So folks, how does one move on in this situation when I know what she will try to do and am scared by it? The 18 year old (who has one year of college to do yet) cries with fear when she is like this and I have to be away on work. How do I leave this situation even if its what she says she wants/needs?
Or do I just have to accept it as my life's burden?
Sorry if I sound selfish. I am well aware I have contributed to this and am weighed down by guilt - but cannot see a way forward for us both.
