Originally Posted by
wheredoiturn 
KE, thank you for this post. I often think that mothers struggle with the "I didn't cause it" part and spouses/GF/BF struggle with the "I can't cure him" part.
I am also trying to come to terms with guilt. I have done so many things I regret with my AS. I wish I didn't get as angry with him as I did when he came back hostile from weekends with his father. I regret that my little boy had to be so terrified of his father and I was not there to protect him. I regret that I tried to make up for his suffering by spoiling him. I regret that I had temper outbursts when I felt he didn't appreciate what I did for him. I regret that I was so immature when I raised him. I regret that I never managed to salvage our relationship as he grew older.
The truth is, I know I did the best I could under the circumstances. I also know that other people have much worse childhoods and they don't turn to drugs. He may have become an addict even if I was the perfect parent, whatever that is. I also know that I cannot change the past. It is over. I can only trust in God that everything happened and is happening for the greater good of both of us.
Guilt is such a draining, depressing and wasted emotion. I hope that all mothers who suffers from it will be able to let it go.
Wheredoiturn, It sounds to me like your a great mother. I went through all of the same things while raising my son. I was 21 when I had him. That isn't 16 but it's young. I too spoiled my son, and just like you it was because I love him so much. My son also came back from his fathers house rebelious. And while our boys were with their dads, we couldn't protect them. That was their dads responsibility. I too had outbursts of anger at times while raising my son. All moms do. That's not abuse, that's being human. Being a mother is the toughest job in the world without any training. Be kind to yourself. None of this is your fault. GUILT is a useless emotion that helps nothing.
:ghug3