You guys were right, I really needed to concentrate on myself and do things for me. I read Codependent No More, and Drinking: A Love Story. The latter of the two is what really did it for me as far as understanding him and this disease. I know people said that I shouldn't concentrate so hard on trying to figure him out, but understanding him and alcoholism is what I truly needed to do so that I could move on and focus on myself, and accept the situation for what it was.
I've been spending all of my time taking great care of my precious two month baby girl Ayla, reading, and trying to watch my diet. I got a gym membership that I plan on using as soon as I can find an available babysitter. Unfortunately things will get hectic here soon as my grandmother was diagnosed with late term lung cancer, and they are only giving her a week. I know this is going to be a very hard, and emotional time, and I am increasingly worried about my own mother's health with all the stress that has been added to her already full plate. Any prayers sent our way would be greatly appreciated.
Anyhow, as the days go by and the distance greater between XABF and I (we've been broken up for a month now), it gets easier. I no longer find myself sitting around obsessing about where he is all day, or crying periodically. The only time that I cry lately really is when I think about his mother who just recently passed away, and how tragic that was, but I believe that's normal. I no longer feel the urge to call him and try to get him to see things MY way, and I no longer wait for my phone to ring to seek validation that he still "cares" about me. It feels great. I am actually GRATEFUL that I met him because I feel like for the past 5 years (which is long before I met him) that I had been living in a fog. Not concentrating on bettering my life and accepting everything from the bottom of the barrel. Smoking pot constantly, which I quit, and just basically not really LIVING at all. I cannot blame him for the poor decision I made in dating him, because I chose unworthy partners before him and for a long time at that. All the pain from this break-up, and seeing him completely give up his life for a bottle of booze has motivated me so much to take care of myself, and it's like I just now finally realize that I have choices. I cannot believe how small my view of the world was before this.
I still pray and hope that he will find recovery, but I'm not betting MY life on it, nor do I feel the need to follow him hopelessly and wait for it to happen. He is in my thoughts, but for no longer than a minute or so in my prayers.
I went and checked out the veterinary technician school of St. Louis today and finished the application process. The term starts in March and is 18 months long and then I can be on my way to a fulfilling career that I've always wanted to do. I am so excited! I am slowly gaining confidence every day and I wanted to thank anyone who responded to ANY of my posts so much for their words of wisdom, strength, and hope. This website has truly been a lifesaver and I don't plan on leaving it! I pray for everyone who is fresh to the pain of this disease, and everyone currently in recovery as well. We all help each other to stay strong and it really is beautiful! Thank you!
