...This is one heavy thread...
Would we be consider codependents if not for the alcoholics in our lives?
As others have said in this thread, these behaviors or "reactions" come from living with an alcoholic.
My opinion is that codependency is a manner of relating with others, not a personality trait, not a disease, and not inherited biologically from our parents. And yes, we LEARN that manner of relating from living with alcoholics. But there are other ways of learning codependency.
If I am codependent, I can CHANGE that about myself and, in fact, HAVE changed the way I relate to others substantially. However, you can take the alcoholic out of the equation and I STILL try to relate in codependent ways. Some people will play the game with me, and some people will not. Alcoholics and addicts are much more likely to play the game than non-alcoholics and non-addicts. I am grateful for those I have been in relationships with who have refused.
I believe that the longer one remains in Recovery, the less likely that person is to play the game.
I have read also, somewhere, that as we learn and grow and mature, the ways in which we relate to others also change, according to three different stages:
1. Codependence
2. Independence
3. Inter-Dependence.
Inter-Dependence is the ideal, the heathiest way to relate. You must go through Independence in order to learn how to relate Inter-Dependently. If interested, try Googling the three terms. You can also Google Maslow and Self-Actualization for related concepts.
But for me the shame comes from knowing that I became this person I didn't even recognize...
Right. Shame is PART OF the disease of alcoholism. It is just one more of those things that KEEPS you mired in the disease, like denial and blame. So, anytime you feel shame, it is a good idea to do your best to stop it, refuse it. Recognizing it and admitting it are half the battle. Shame is what occurs when you internalize the disease and actually believe in your heart that there is something sick or wrong about YOU. There is NOTHING sick or wrong about YOU--it is THE DISEASE that is sick and wrong. Believing the above about it not being inherited, not being biological, etc, allows you to remove the shame. There is nothing to be ashamed of. There is, however, lots to change about you, so that you relate to others in much healthier ways. Al-Anon is a good jumping off point for anyone who thinks they might be codependent.