Nightmare
Bad dream last night. :-(
I was chasing my ex down. Trying to catch him buying cocaine. I chased him into a flea market. He bought a stuffed animal and a little jewelry box. I chased him all the way from Seattle to Portland. I found where he lived and went there. He was using drugs but pretending not to be. I yelled at him about when was he going to grow up, get a job, get into recovery and support his family. He just kept sneaking out to smoke crack. He just laughed at me and lied to me that he was doing all these things already. I got so angry and I started wanting to use his drugs (I didn't and remember this was just a vivid dream).
Finally I decided to leave and go home. I felt heartbroken and exhausted. Before I left, I ripped the head off his stuffed animal and broke the jewelry box. As I was heading out the door, I was still yelling at him that it was his fault I was stuck in Portland with no car, no money and no way to get home. I walked out of his house and there was my little boy. He was so happy to see his daddy. He just looked at me very reproachful like and said, "mama, why are you always so mean to daddy."
Finally I woke up, and got up to clean the kitchen.
Ack.