Thumper

You are not a judgmental jerk. We all form judgments, it is just depends on what we do with them. I myself have an incredibly mouthy 9yo. You'd be appalled but even with that level of 'understanding' I think the situation you describe is messed up.

Letting go of being 'understood' is one of the hardest things for me to do. I just keep going on and on and/or confuse my roll something terrible - all in an effort to not be misunderstood or look unfair. I think this is part of the co-dependence that makes me think I can (and should) actually 'fix or control' someone else. I feel misunderstood when they aren't going along with my master plan, lol. That, along with boundaries in general, is one of the biggest 'co-dependent' traits I have to work on.

I picked the following up from here.

"Help is what I do for those who can not do it for themselves.
Enabling is what I do for others who can do it for themselves.
If I say it without being asked; it is meddling.
If I say it twice; it is manipulation."

I actually make myself go through that before deciding how to handle a situation or before I throw my 2 cents in.

I've added to it

What is my boundary.
Is this my problem or theirs?
Is this a feeling? If it is their feeling, leave them to it.

I have to make myself go through the lists of questions because what I do off the cuff is generally not the right thing, lol. If I don't articulate my boundary very clearly (to myself) I just don't have any. I'll do anything to not be uncomfortable with someone elses feelings! Crazy but that is it. I need these to uphold my boundaries *and* not trample all over theirs in my effort to 'make a difference' - also known as control their life because I know best .

I still have troubles but before I would just end up in the quicksand but these lists help me get back on track.