I really hope you'll stick around here and educate yourself of disease of A as much as you can.
I find your post really triggering, and there is so much I'd like to say, but I can see you're feeling really fragile, and I don't want you to missinterpret my words (or interpret them corectly
) to hurt you even more.
Alcoholism is a disease (the one you can not cure, or minimize, or make any better). If there is a manual for As your AH behaviour would be on the top of the list. He is blame shifting, and if you take that blame, you're not helping him (but enabling), and you're certainly not helping yourself.
He feels betrayed, fair enough, he's intitled to feel any way he choses, but HOW ABOUT YOU? Don't you feel betrayed too?
I'd like to ask you to ask yourself Why do you miss him?
Is it because you enjoy being with him or because you're afraid of unknown?
And as for love, it is possible to love from the distance too.
Like I just love white tiggers, I find them to be most facinating animals, so beautiful. But I'm not bringing one to my home to live with me, for the simple reason it might eat me.
I know this is stupid analogy, but my point is love shouldn't rule over common sense.
I hate to see you hurt like this, I guess I feel triggered because I've let my RAH to manipulate me in the same way so many times in the past. I really hope you're going to change this situation for yourself, and start enjoying your precious life.
take care and stick around, and yes, WELLCOME