Good stuff, thanks for the replies.
naive, I am SO with you on your response to the doorbell, the phone, etc. I was the same way--had to get it right away. Not I don't even give it a second thought beyond "I'm not going to answer right this minute" and then I get back to it when I'm good and ready. It's a much more peaceful way to live my life! I, too, am like a mother lion with regard to my time and energy. And I try to not think about all the time/money/energy I put into dead-end relationships...I used to do that, too. Instead it's all about the learning I've done.
LexieCat, I think the time at the Fair bothers me because of all the BS he's fed them for so long. When they don't want to go with him early in the day (because they're sick of said BS) then he arrives on the scene like a f***ing knight in shining armor. It gets them hooked back into his web of control b/c he did something they really wanted, and then he manipulates them with it. I'm angry about that because I know it's a set-up...been there, done that. Now I'm watching my kids on the same trajectory. My 14 yo is wiser to it, but my 12 yo isn't. So it's not about having the time together and making it "fun", it's really his half-a**ed apology to them for not having given them the respect they deserve so that then he can turn around and say, "But remember, I took you to the Fair..."
This was further illustrated for me yesterday, when my 14 yo DD called me and said, "Mom, Dad said we have to go to day camp tomorrow but we want to go to a friend's house. He won't listen, and he and (12 yo DD) got into a shouting match about it this morning. Dad won't listen to what we're saying, no matter what it has to be what he says."
So there you have it. Classic. I talked to her about her feelings, what she really wants to say to her Dad, suggested that expressing her feelings to him might be helpful for her, and she said she was going to talk to him again. I didn't hear back from her, so I am assuming it went okay.
It's all about control, control, control. I'm so sad for my kids.
On another note, Lulu, thanks for the encouragement...
And Coyote, I like the "mad money" idea. Given that I'm probably not too many years away from THAT issue with my DDs, I'm using that one!
posie