Thanks everyone. I should have read these posts before calling him this morning...had to, really, because the kids have an activity to go to later today and I had to work out arrangements.
He's p*ssed that he is supposed to pick them up on Saturday mornings WHICH HE AGREED TO (because then he doesn't get time to himself for a chunk of the weekend), and was p*ssed that he was going to have more time to himself as a result of my taking them to their activity later today (meaning he gets more time to himself), because he didn't have more time to "plan" his time to himself. I can't f*cking win. This is so sad.
After I told him what I needed to say he was all remorseful, "gee the kids don't want me to take them this morning" and such garbage. WAH. He's a king baby, just never saw it before because he doesn't have a bottle to his lips. I guess I can thank my exA for helping me get to a place where I started seeing all this kind of stuff.
I really appreciate your input. naive, a letter sounds like a great idea! I'll talk to DD about that. And the boundary thing is important, I just don't know how I can give her an escape hatch with him, he lives 25 minutes away (BTW, hates and resents that fact, too, but does nothing to change it for himself. THAT'S probably my fault too! LOL.) I need to consider this. I'm working so hard on my own boundaries there are lessons I can discuss with her, I'm sure, and developing a plan will be important.
DD is amazingly open and talks to me, for which I am SO grateful, so thanks for the complement, theuncertainty. I needed that. I feel your pain.
Jazz, you said, "If your ex blows his relationship with his children that's on him, not you." Yup. I know this. I've seen it time and again with other people I know, and the kids end up having an amazing relationship with their healthier parent. Just breaks my heart to send them into that abyss of cr*p. They even complain that his house is an absolute filthy mess...
L2L, I'm off to an Alanon meeting this morning, and my sponsor will be there, too. Working the 3rd step in a major way, thank you for the reminder. And yes--legal/professional input only, no accepting garbage from him. He's good at tossing out the hooks, and although I'm better at avoiding them, I do get "hooked" occasionally...
I have to admit, too, that there's a part of me that's mourning my loss of time here at home, by myself, when I assumed they were building at least a decent relationship with their father. I've never had time to myself like that before, and although I will of course do what's best for my precious children, it's the in-my-face recognition that I'm doing parenting by myself....always was, just have it right in front of my face now.
I'll do the best thing for my kids, and I have to say, I'm just oozing gratefulness for your support. I think I need to revisit the custody thing. Does this cr*p ever end???
Still teary,
posie