Hi miss. I too have hoped someone else dies. It is a very raw emotion. I for one have never learned how to manage anger. In fact mostly, women hide their anger and turn it inward. Sadness and silent suffering is OK. But anger? Anger speaks of entitlement and sadly many women like me are raised not to feel entitled to anything, not to feel like a whole unique person with the same rights as anyone. Less-than.
There are things that can be said, and done, that are just cruel. Manipulation and madness is all I see in this guy. I too slept with an XABF after he did many bad things. But I left for good and keep remembering I did all I could. And I was able to leave and am trying to respect myself more.
Have you considered going to a therapist?
I know I have held on to my anger and bitterness for too long. Its not worth it. Hope you are smarter than me and work the feelings so you achieve indifference and peace and can actually move on. And reach the place where it really, REALLY does not matter what he does or tries. Where you remember who you are and focus on important things for you.