racaple78

Hi everyone. Just an update again on things: its been a few months since I've been on here; last time, looking over my old posts, was about how my ex-husband was trying to re-enter the picture again. The calls continued to be sparse, he couldn't even follow up with the scheduled dates of talking with his children that we set: 7 pm on tues, thurs and sundays. He still never paid a penny for child support. Around this same time, I began dating a nice man, a youth pastor named Mike. For three weeks straight i never heard from my ex-AH, and my life continued to move forward with my kids and this new guy. Then one day, I get a phone call from him---he calls, aftering a few moments of giving me a hard time for dating someone new, finally tells me that he was in jail for three weeks, and is now facing 25yrs to life in prison for his third offense with drugs---manufacturing with intent to deliver. I was shocked. I think somewhere in my mind I knew it would happen, but still...he had only just been out of jail for two months and was back in again. And since, he has been taken back into jail and is now written me a few letters, the last one asking me if I would let him see his kids on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And to be honest, with my full custody in tow, and no ill will towards him, I really don't think I want to do that. Our children are 4 and 2, and the idea of driving to another state (he got arrested in Texas) gives my gut a sick feeling. I don't want them to see their father in jail, they don't even really know that he's in jail, only that he is in Texas.
I'm doing good really. Mike and I are now in a serious relationship and have been for 5 months. My kids adore him, and he adores them. His entire family is close knit and I have been attending church with him and his family along with my kids every Sunday. He's brought me closer to God. We have, in every sense of the words, a healthy, stable relationship.
Once in a blue moon I remember my ex, and the crazy love I had for him. Sometimes I miss the intensity of those emotions, and him, and the love we once shared, that crazy soulmate love before the drugs took him away. I do miss those times with him.
He's written me 4 or 5 letters, and they all say the same thing: how miserable he is, how much he misses me and the kids, how he shouldn't be in there, how he's scared, etc etc, begging me to be the sole lifeline to the outside world for him to maintain his sanity after everyone in his family has cut ties with him. I have not written him back.
I had a fleeting thought once, while driving past a Christian book store, to buy and send him a book about courage, hope, faith, etc. The idea of him sitting in a jail cell for years and years, rotting away....its just sad. But I know he put himself there.
Like I said, I haven't written him back.
I am slowly, and with great care, moving into my feelings with Mike. They are warm, sweet and sincere. There is no intensity and whirwind romance that I had with my ex. I do not feel anxiety or fear or worry with Mike. Its peaceful. Its very sane. We are friends. We talk practically with each other about everything. We travel together, go on camping trips, talk about the news and school and work. We talk about God and faith.
Dare I say that I still miss my ex sometimes? Once in awhile, yes I do. Especially when I look at our children and I see him in them. They have his toes. My son has his eyebrows. Sometimes they make these funny faces or a gesture, and it is 100% my ex in them. Then I remember him. Then my heart gets sad.
One day I'm going to have to fully explain to them what happened to their father. One Xmas or Thanksgiving, when they are ready, I will take them to the jail to see their father. When they are ready. But not now. Not this year.
When I get his letters, which are coming much less frequently now than they were, I consider not even opening them and just sending them back to sender. But I still open them. I still read. His words still affect me. I still care about him.
I guess what I'm trying to express is what's been going on, at this venture on the journey. I know now I'm 100% in the right place, and moving forward and onward. I feel good about myself, and my kids, and Mike and where I am in life.
But every once in awhile, I think of him. I wonder if it'll always be like that. He was, after all, my first real love. The biggest love and the biggest heartache. We have children together. I guess when I think about it, in an otherwise more happy and stable life (i.e. I've got 4 interviews this week with great companies as an Acct. Executive, I am training for a 1/2 marathon in march)...when I think of him, I find the root of my hole....that one little part of me that is still feeling the void. I wonder if that will ever heal fully. Does time ever finally heal that empty little wound?