subjugated

Hello,

Since August last year I have become emotionally divorced from my H.

At that time I told him I was leaving after I found a gambling ticket in his jeans (he said he wasn't gambling anymore). After bawling his eyes out for a while and making what I consider vague suicide threats, he came into my room and said he would get gambling counselling (second attempt). I have threatened to leave several times over the years after a few gambling binges he has had over the years (the first one took place on our *honeymoon* the year after the wedding), and I convinced myself I needed to leave this time. But I felt pressured to make a decision so I stayed. I said I'd give him 6 months.

Since his counselling, he hasn't gambled. But I think the trust has been pretty much destroyed. I'm not plugged into this relationship, I think I have detached almost to the point of being divorced from him. I don't speak to him all that much, not getting involved much in his life or much that he says, putting a lot of my focus on our two children instead. This makes him upset. If I wasn't afraid to leave I would tell him the truth (which he really kind of knows anyway), but I'm not ready to do so yet, so I have to keep stalling the issue. His mother is also a huge part of our lives (another big problem and I could write another huge post on that) and I've detached from her in a big way also. She complained to my husband last night that she feels totally cut out of our family. To me he said "I'm not as upset about that as I am about us".

His drinking has also been a problem over the years. I've threatened to leave in the past for that too. I remember when I booked us in for marriage counselling almost 10 years ago his drinking and the gambling were big issues for me. He would go out with his friends, and the next day our plans to do something together would often be cancelled because of his hangover. Over the years I've learned not to bother asking him to do anything (ie social occasion) I'd like to do because he would often sabotage it in ways like this. When I'd plan for us to do something romantic he would call me a creature of habit (I like to revisit places we enjoyed in the past) or sentimental, which killed our romance long ago. (Sorry, I'm digressing.)

I wouldn't call him an alcoholic but he exhibits a *lot* of alarming behaviours I've seen described over and over again in the threads here. Asking him to cut down he will do it once or twice but after that there will be some kind of creative accounting going on, whether it's drinking on the way home from work, and lately, finding empty beer bottles in the garbage. It's like he will always find a loophole. He would often bring a bottle of wine home and drink 3 glasses (his are always filled to the top) but nowadays it's the whole bottle and I will find two beer bottles in the garbage. That happens about 3 times a week. (The hidden beer bottles thing started almost immediately after I had a talk with him a couple of months ago about not being sure if I can trust him in regard to his drinking. I told him to drink as much as he likes but be honest and drink it at home where I can see what's going on.) He will still come home from work and he has been drinking. He still meets friends after work for a drink. He has work functions almost every week where there's alcohol being served. He told me he will never be a teetotaller, even though he has depression/anxiety/panic disorder and on heavy medication and is constantly on a merry-go-round where he drinks too much, it affects his meds, he gets depression and wonders why, yet everyone else can see it clearly, and it affects the whole family. His weight is also ballooning and he blames everything else but alcohol. In about October last year we went to a wedding of one of his friends and he proceeded to get blind drunk, making a fool of himself and passing out in his chair. When he woke up he grabbed his glass and poured himself at least a triple scotch. In a couple of days he was crying to me and saying he wanted to harm himself. I at that point was tired of dealing with this yet again and called a mental health crisis team who he saw that day. He came back and told me he was booked in for alcohol counselling. His first session was promising. They had agreed that he would abstain for one month, and if he handled it to do it for another month, and so on so that after six months he would see if he can enjoy just one drink at a time. The *very next week* he told me he was having a few drinks after work with friends.

I am no angel myself. I deal with all this by spending all my time on the internet, and eating too much. I have started seeing a counsellor but she has no experience with addictions, it has ended up being more for issues with myself, like parenting... I have neglected my children in the past (husband doesn't know about this)... I think I have often taken this out on the kids. Also my own family are self-absorbed and no emotional support whatsoever.

So here I am today, still here, afraid to go because I don't want to upset my husband, especially with his mental health issues; thinking about how long we have been together (almost 20 years) and all the "history" we have; that he is a kind and gentle guy most of the time; he works in a very stressful job for us (though I'm totally uninterested in money); afraid I will make a mistake by breaking up; splitting up the family. The kids both start school next year, I'm afraid it will affect their education if I leave now or in the next 6 months. The family health insurance kicks in in February next year so I can have some much-needed medical procedures. So many excuses not to go. I think I might be codependent: addicted to him.

Thank you for reading, sorry for the length, I wanted to get it off my chest, was hoping for some ES&H. I don't believe in God but I've been doing a bit of praying lately, asking for courage and insight from somewhere.