You have come to such a wonderful place. I have been reading here since last fall, and have only begun to post recently. I felt that gut-wrenching pain, sick to your stomach pain and agony that I thought would never go away during the time I lived with my ABF, and when I left. But here it is six months later, with Al anon, and SR, and I have learned so much, and I feel so good.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. When I left my A, I felt so bad for me, for him, for the happy ending I was not going to have with him. My therapist said that leaving him may have been his only hope for recovery. I know I would have lost my own mind had I stayed. Nothing is more important to an active alcoholic than alcohol. And the more you read and learn, the more you will understand. Of course it makes no sense, it is insanity. That's what alcoholism is. I spent a lot of time reading the AA Big Book on line, and that was very helpful to me as well.
I wish you the best. You will be ok, no matter what. You will.