Hi Caligirl71, Welcome!
I am fairly new to this alcoholism disease, I have been married for 22 years and met my AH at the age of 14/15, we have two grown daughters 19yrs and 22yrs. Last October after countless requests for AH to reduce his beer intake, I posted a thread on another site about 'how many beers was too much'. One person suggested I try Al-Anon. I went along to my first Al-Anon meeting with my 19yr old daughter in tow. I couldnt believe how I could relate to many of the people who spoke and told their stories of living with an alcoholic. It was then that I knew that I was married to an alcoholic and had been all my life without even realising it!
My life was spinning out of control and also my head felt like it was spinning too. The self talking just seemed to go on and on with no ending.
My AH admitted he was an alcoholic and even managed to stay sober for 3/5 months. Now he is in complete denial again, saying he has been brainwashed into thinking he was an alcoholic and he is going to drink for the rest of his life and if I don't like it I can leave. This is also interspersed with put downs and ridicules of me, in the form of verbal abuse.
The trouble with alcoholism is, it doesnt respond well at all to threats. I have tried the separating, divorce, not speaking, yelling etc but nothing works and only really compounds the problem. Its a bit like a kid when you say 'if you don't stop that, I will take away x,y,x' but you don't take away x,y,z. Then he/she does it again and you still don't take away x,y,z. They know that you are not going to take x,y,z away, so they just keep repeating their bad behavior, only this time they get a kick out of it too!
My favourite article at the moment is this one (below) called addiction, lies and relationships. It was a real eye opener of the disease for me and some painful truths about why its never going to get better unless it starts with him.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Someone at my Al-Anon who has been attending for the past 20yrs has stayed with her AH and the only way it has worked for her has been to keep attending Al-Anon, work on herself and turn a blind eye to all his Alcoholic behaviors. If you want to stay in the marriage, it is possible but you would definitely need Al-Anon and maybe even therapy to help you cope.
I am currently living in the same house as AH but not on speaking terms at all since the last incident whereby he verbally abused my daughter and I, ridiculed me and told me how boring I was and more besides. He never apologises for any of it and excuses it by saying that I am boring and I shout at him. I have told him never to speak to me again as I am so angry with him. This is only having the effect of justifying why he drinks to himself, because I am so bad to live with!
I also have the torment of 'playing out' scenarios in my head.
Do I leave, Do I stay, If I leave how will I afford it, what will I take with me, what will I leave behind, how will I move it, do I earn enough to move, will I regret it, do I stay angry at him, do I need another part time job to afford it, do I wait a bit longer, if I do that, will I miss out on the house I have seen. It goes on and on and on and just gives me one giant headache!
Both of my daughters are damaged, without a doubt. The eldest one is a complete tee-total but also a codependent and can only find happiness in relationships.
My youngest, 19yrs has put up with verbal abuse and bullying from her dad for the past year or so and is moving out this weekend to live with friends. Although she thinks of me as being a good mum, I know that I have let her down because we talked about moving out together but I couldn't bring myself to do it as I was scared about affording it. She also gets angry with me for as she says 'letting her dad verbally abuse me, him having an internet affair and me not leaving him'.
I am pleased that you have found this site, please keep reading the threads and stickies above -my personal favourites (apart from link above) merry-go-round, and excuses alcoholics make.
You will end up doing what is right for you and your family - knowledge is power.