I am an adult child of an alcoholic and I married 2 alcholics and don't know that I ever had a healthy relationship with most people until I started to work on myself--at the age of 36. I'm 51 now and am still working on it.
For 26 years I lived in total confusion of what normal was--for everything, not just drinking.
When I saw my older son start acting like I did when I was his age-I knew it was time for me to go and that I should have left sooner. He is only 9 and says the same things as your 14 year old. He is already making excuses and saying dad is not drinking as much. But he is also embarassed to have his friends around when he dad starts drinking. 2 years ago we were at an adoption reunion with the 2 families we traveled with and stbxah got black out drunk both nights. Older son was so upset because hisfriends saw his Dad drooling drunk. Year before that he got so drunk he was in the bathroom vomiting and sh***ing himself at the same time. Son got to hear that. You grow up with that long enough with no one saying this is not right and you learn that it is normal--and it's not. It is a horrible way to grow up and can ruin your life if you don't have someone pull you out.
They do notice when they are younger. When my older son was 3 he called every beverage that came in a can beer. If something celebratory happened he ran to the freezer to get the chilled shot glasses (dad had vodka, he had juice but they toasted so they had already started to drink together). As an added twist, my AH is also uses marijuana and started getting high with my adult nephew (yep, he is old enough to make his own choices and they are bad ones). But that was a big eye opener too. stbxah crossed the line and was getting drunk and high with kids I helped raise. So I started thinking--at what age will he introduce our son to booze and drugs. He's 49 and thinks it is OK to get bombed and go to my 20 year old nephew's house looking for drugs. My nephew tossed him out of his house. Oh, and my nephew-he grew up watching his uncle drink. I was over one Christmas morning and he was sitting there drinking his booze out of a bag (so no one would notice. . .) My nephew was 4. I told my sister either he stopped or I left. Guess what, she was pissed off too but did not want to say anything. Shhhh, don't say anything you might make him mad. WHAT?
It is good that you are talking to your son and letting him know his dad's behavior is not normal. Maybe it might be a good idea if he started AlaTeen. I wish there was something for my 9 year old.
When I saw the name of your thread I had a visceral reaction--so it sticks with you for awhile. The thing I lost first and am having the hardest time learning is trust. The other thing I lost and had to work hard on regaining was my self-esteem. It hurts when you are an adult and your alcoholic won't stop drinking for you--the booze is more important. It hurts more when you are a child because the person who is hurting you is also the person who is supposed to be taking care of you.