I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you can't "manage" an addiction.
Unfortunately, alcoholism is a progressive disease. It doesn't usually stay at a "manageable" level. The fact that your boyfriend can function quite well despite his drinking problem is actually not a good thing - it allows him to stay in denial.
My exabf was the same way. In the beginning, his drinking didn't seem to affect me. He held down a job. He still has his job, to this day. He's been there 4 yrs. However, I could no longer tolerate the drinking-mainly because it got to the point where he'd blow up at me for no reason when he got drunk.
I'm sorry, but I'm not going to put up with verbal abuse for any reason whatsoever, and many people, as their alcoholism progresses, become "mean drunks."
Thing is, my bf drank a lot more in the begining of our rel'ship than he did at the end. So he is still able to fool himself into thinking he doesn't have a problem. His drunk temper tantrums have been enough to make me leave the rel'ship more than once - we've been off and on for the last 3 yrs. The last time we got back together, I went wiht him to see his therapist. With the blessings of his therapist, he decided to try "moderation management."
Wow, that was a big failure, but even now, he fails to see it. Yes, he was able to cut down, but I had established a boundary that, if he got drunk, it was over, and he would have to declare his experiment a failure.
He got drunk about 3-4 times, the last time being the worst. Yelling and screaming at me for 3 hrs..throwing things..it was BAD. So, even tho he wasn't drinking every night, or even binge drinking that often, my life, his life, and our relationship had clearly become "unmanageable" due to his drinking.
When I finally told him, stop drinking or lose me, he decided to let me walk. That's a big sign right there, when someone can't STOP drinking. Many alcoholics can go days, weeks, even months w/out drinking...but they eventually go back to it. They are unable to stop for good.
Honestly, nothing good can come of being w/someone who has this problem, even if things seem "ok" right now. I see burgeoning problems, tho-you are already affected by it, because of what you said about your sex life. Someone who binge drinks, can be very difficult to be around. I remember having to wrestle my xabf for the keys to his car.
I remember my xabf doing some very stupid, impulsive things while drunk. I basically went from being his gf, to being his babysitter during those times.
He put me in many uncomfortable, awkward and even dangerous situations.
Anyway, stick around, read the stickys...esp the ones about codependency. I found that the longer I stuck w/my ex, the more ingrained my codependent tendencies became, until I was giving up way too much of my own needs, bending my own boundaries WAY too much...until in order to protect and look out for myself, I eventually HAD to walk.
Originally Posted by
bettymilo 
Hi everyone, I found this forum after doing a search for how to deal with an alcoholic.
My BF of 3 years is an alcoholic, and in severe denial. He is not physically abusive, and he keeps a regular job and attends school full-time. He helps cook and clean the house (I do not live with him, but spend about half the week at his place), takes good care of his pets, and stays on top of his bills. For all of these things, I am blessed, and so is he. However, it is clear that he has a problem. He drinks every single night, he says "to help him sleep", and often (once every 1-2 weeks) binges to the point of blackout. He does not drive drunk, and only drinks at home, so he is not a danger to others, but I do worry about his health.
I have tried talking to him about his drinking, asking him to try alternative methods to help him sleep at night, but of course he refuses or changes the subject. Last night we got in a fight when he was drunk, and this morning, in a fit of anger, I tried to talk to him about his addiction. I know now that it was a mistake to do so in that manner, but the damage is done.
I don't want to leave him, and I honestly don't see a reason to do so. We have a great time together, we love each other, and his drinking rarely affects me, as he does his "heavy drinking" after I've gone to bed. I am worried that his habits will affect our relationship, though. I worry about his health (he is 30, with a history of diabetes in the family), and I worry that his addiction will worsen in time. Mostly, I'm worried that he feels he can't or won't talk to me about what he's going through. Sorry if this is TMI, but our sex life has diminished greatly since the beginning of the relationship, and I tend to blame that on the alcohol.
I guess what I'm looking for is a ray of hope... is there anyone out there who has a success story for me? Someone whose boyfriend or husband managed their addiction and saved their relationship? I get depressed when all the random anonymous advice on the internet says I should leave him... I love him and I'm going to do all I can to help him before I bail out.
Thanks for listening, and thanks in advance for your help and support!