Hi Snick,
I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. I blamed him for the way I felt for years. Through Alanon I am learning that I can't expect someone else to change so that I will be ok. Drinking or not, spouses can't make us happy. They can't live their life to meet our every need. I needed to get involved in my own life. I needed to look for some of my needs in others. I had to look at why I was REALLY unhappy, and not blame someone else.
I am sorry that you haven't found Alanon helpful. Working the 12 steps, and being willing to learn and change myself has made so much of a difference in my life. The caring and understanding of the people has taught me how to build new and fulfilling relationships. These have met some of the needs that I demanded of my spouse, and helped my relationship with him become stronger and better.
It might be worth another try with Alanon. There is plenty of literature and recovery tools for us who are living with sobriety. I am living proof that it works.
I also invite you to join us on the Alanon forum. There are many who are dealing with and overcoming the same challenges you are facing. If you want help, there is help. You don't have to do it alone. Hugs, Magic