I think I know what you are feeling - my drinking was ruining our marriage. It got to the point where it was either stop drinking or lose my wife. Luckily, I chose my wife, but she did not understand that I had to radically change my life and focus on my recovery.
This lasted about six months and I/we considered it an investment for my survival first and foremost. In fact, on a couple of occasions when my wife got frustrated about my single-minded focus during recovery, I had to tell her that I would have to leave for awhile - I could not handle the additional stress. Was it selfish? Yes, but I had to fix me first, then try to work on the relationship.
After six months, I felt like it was time to begin to work on the marriage and it is not easy, but has been a mostly positive process for the last four months (I have been sober for ten months). Just remember, problems are not magically fixed by themselves after the drinking stops!
Three and one half years and still no balance, to me illustrates that the marriage needs attention. I know that there is no cure for alcoholism, but I would think that the initial stages and struggles of recovery are over for your spouse, but as my wife has told me, then the real work as far as saving the marriage begins.
I am not a marriage counselor, but I agree with eddie z - don't just sit back and wait for things to get better. Take the initiative, let your spouse know what your needs are and make a commitment to change the pattern of your relationship.
I learned in recovery that dysfunctional relationships sometimes exhibit poor communication and negative habits or schemes. A lot of times we do not even consciously know that we have developed these negative patterns - they happen slowly over time. Don't be afraid to make some changes in your relationship!
If I were your husband, I would be ready to address your needs and would do everything in my power to meet and exceed them. In other words, if you are not happy in the relationship, how can your spouse be?
Obviously, this is a topic that I am passionate about so I am sorry if I am rambling!!
I know others here will also weigh in with more wisdom - take care and good luck!
Dave