YellowBirdy

Hello, I am new to the forum and I have a situation with my husband (whom I believe is an alcoholic). He is blaming me for causing him to drink and I am not sure what to do. Things are out of control and I kicked him out of the house yesterday/today. I'm lost and not sure I'm doing the right thing. I'm looking for any advice or helpful words of wisdom. This is my story:

My husband (H) and I (both in our late 30's) have been married 3 yrs, no kids. I've known him for 10 yrs, & he's always been a heavy drinker. While we were dating, I became concerned about his drinking. Looking back, I suppose I was in denial. He'd been pulled over once on a suspected DUI (though he deserved a ticket he didn't get one), & he'd had 2 bed wetting accidents because he was so drunk he couldn't wake up when he had to go. It wasn't until I nearly broke up with him that he took my concerns seriously. He then promised he'd cut back/not drink at all, or else monitor himself & stop before he became drunk. Because this was the only "red flag" in our relationship and it was otherwise great & we loved each other I believed things would be fine.

For a long time, things DID improve. Then we got married. Right before the wedding I was diagnosed with a serious chronic illness. That, along with some family drama, both our stressful careers, and general life responsibilities, and it seemed we never had a "honeymoon phase". I was tired and felt unwell much of the time, which caused me great irritability. I admit, sometimes I took things out on him when I shouldn't have. He was stressed out and began drinking...mostly in secret. Then, we began CONSTANTLY fighting. The topic was always the same: no sex life due to my illness, my irritability, his drinking.

It eventually turned violent during our fighting (shoving, smacking) & when we were both bruised I knew we needed professional help. We've been going to counseling now for 5 months. Seemed to be helping, getting us reconnected & back on track. Counselor addressed H's drinking by asking him to think about if it's good for our marriage. He's suggested H could attempt monitoring his alcohol use & learn to stop before he becomes drunk, or that the possibility may exist that he just shouldn't drink. H has repeatedly gotten drunk at social events or in secret. Certain stressors seem to set him off -- I have had a complication with my illness, his Mom was in hospital, etc. He is always remorseful afterwards.

Then, 2 weekends ago I awoke from a nap on an otherwise normal afternoon to find H totally wasted. Things escalated to the point I feared for my safety and thought I might have to involve the Police. Instead, I called my brother, who made H pack a bag & leave for the night. That night I discovered that there were 16 empty or near empty bottles of booze and wine in our house! H was totally remorseful the next day, said he would do whatever he needed to do to save our relationship, that I was the most important thing to him in the world. I told him he had a problem and that although I loved him we could only stay together if he sought help (alcohol counseling & AA) and that I would also seek self therapy. He agreed, asked for a little time to "just be normal" before doing this. Well, that never happened. This past Thursday, he came to bed completely drunk after working in his workshop after dinner. I moved to the guest room after trying to ignore his verbal abuse that I "am no wife to him". In the morning, I told him he could not live at home anymore until he got help and asked him for his house key, which he handed over. That night I came home after work to find that he'd somehow gotten into the house through an unlocked window. He hadn't taken me seriously that morning. I told him he had to leave -- he'd been lying to me (there were other times I suspected he'd been drinking but he'd denied it). After becoming angry he left. After a night of drinking with friends he unbelievably stayed in his car in a park! He'd left his wallet at home, so he couldn't pay for a hotel and he came back for it this morning. He asked if he could just stay in the guest room, that he wouldn't talk to me. I told him he couldn't live at home until he got some help. He became angry, threw his wedding ring across the room, told me "I need a wife" and that I have "destroyed him". Said that it's obvious I want to be single, that I don't love him or support him.

Have I caused H to become an alcoholic? I feel like I've destroyed my marriage somehow...or am in the process of destroying it and I am not sure what to do next. While I did kick him out (hoping this may be his bottom dropping out and he gets help) I am worried about him, can't eat or sleep. While I love H, I don't want to look back in 25 years thinking "what have I done" staying with someone who won't get help. Our relationship was so good to start out, it makes me sick about where we are now.

Thanks for any help you can provide. I am so lost right now.