akrasia

Hi everyone,

Wow, I'm so relieved to have found this board! I've just spent a nice half-hour reading your stories. I can't speak with anyone in real life about this problem--I'm too embarrassed. Also I wouldn't know where to start.

My husband and I have been together for about six years. Married for the last three. I knew when I met him that he was struggling with an alcohol problem and depression. He'd be fine for months--usually not drinking at all, or maybe having a glass of wine--then suddenly have a binge. It got better over the years. I moved out to his country three years ago and we've been really happy. And I mean really happy.

Until about a year ago. Since he was doing so much better, he started taking more risks in his life, took some leadership roles at work. He didn't always cope well with the new stress, and he had a few binges that lasted a few days. Usually they entail sitting in his study, moping, but occasionally they've meant paranoia and subsequent verbal abuse of me. (For instance, if I go to remove his vomit-crusted shirt, he berates me for "stealing his clothes.") The worst incident was a wedding we went to in a small town about four months ago--he started tanking up and when I took him aside and said, "Hey, take it easy," he took against me and screamed at me in front of all the wedding guests. So that was the first time I thought, yeah, maybe I need to move out.

Two months ago he was keeping things together really well while he ran for a public office. (He didn't win but it was a good campaign, I was proud of him!) Then afterwards he just fell apart. He would binge, sober up a little, then binge again. I confess I berated him, took away his booze and poured it out, told him to knock it off--which twice resulted in him running off to a different town, where he stayed in a hotel to drink and drink.

When he came home, he was determined to stop, but by then he was so marinated he could scarcely function. I remember him looking out the window, shaking, saying, "Quite like to go for a walk, but I'm afraid I'd stop for booze." I printed out several treatment options for him and said I'd take him to anything he liked. He didn't want to go stay somewhere, but he did let me take him to the emergency room, where he got some lithium and referral to counselling.

He does have a counselor, whom he likes. They meet weekly. Yet he keeps hoping he'll be able to drink socially. He'll go out for a drink on a Monday, for instance--have one drink, be perfectly fine. Then another couple of drinks on Tuesday, kind of fine. Then Wednesday will bring a difficulty at work, so maybe just a small drink. Then on Thursday the difficulty at work seems more difficult 'cause he's hungover--then here comes the binge and he just falls out of life for ten days or so.

Fast forward to the past three days:

1. I came home from work on Thursday and noticed the car had a dent. Opened the car door, and there were bottles of wine on the floor, some empty, some full. Also some vomit that had been partially cleaned away. He was inside the house, sleeping it off: when he woke I gave him some food and asked what happened. He said he'd driven "while unfit" and had backed into a wall. He's never done that before: he's always stayed away from the car when drunk. I didn't call the police but I took the keys and now they're always on my person.

2. He's got a big festival/concert this weekend with his choir, in another city. They've been practicing for months. Yesterday when he was semi-sober for a while, he asked me whether he should go. I said I'd help him sober up if he wanted, but if he went while drunk he would probably mess up the concert. I would hate to see his choir fun spoiled--it's a really nice thing in his life. He said he would see. When I got home from work, he was gone, and he'd left a note that he was going to with his choir and do his best. He's in a town about four hours away.

3. I got a call from him an hour ago. He was semi-coherent, but after a while I determined that he'd been drunk, and unable to stop drinking, and so he'd decided to leave the choir festival. He was taking a taxi to the train station but suddenly noticed he had no wallet. The taxi driver dropped him off at a garage. His bag wasn't in the trunk of the taxi--he didn't know whether it was still at the hostel or whether the taxi driver had conned him.

I asked him how far he was to the train station, and he said he didn't know. I asked him how far he was to the hostel, and he didn't know. He began weeping. I told him to call a mutual friend of ours who is also at the choir festival and ask him for help getting to the train station. So who knows where the hell he is now. I just texted him and told him that if I didn't get a call from him in the next half hour I would call the police (I don't have the mutual friend's number). But what would the police be able to do?

I looked at an apartment this morning in our town. It's not too far away and I can afford it.

We are so happy together when he's being what I consider his normal self--which is the majority of the time. And--how to describe this--it's not really even the alcohol that bothers me, it's the depression and paranoia that go hand-in-hand with it. When he's grumpily sobering up he'll carp about how "judgemental" people are about alcohol, how his friends try to change him. I told him that the alternative was just giving up on him.

I love him and I don't want to live without him. I've told him we're in it together and I'll do anything to help him. I literally don't know what to do. I have a life too--I have exams to study for and things I want to do.

And now am I going to have to keep the car keys on my person every day for the rest of our lives? Because I'm not about to have some dead child on my conscience.

Thanks so much for giving me the opportunity to vent. I suppose it's disingenuous or me to ask for advice, as there's no one "right" thing to do. I wish I could wave a magic wand and put his heart at peace when he's like this.