Hi Chicory. I hope you are taking good care of yourself. It sounds like you have quite a bit of stress from dealing with your son. I also was in this kind of situation with my brother. My entire family was in this situation with my brother. We all tried the best we could to "help" him, for YEARS, but NONE of it did any good. I cannot tell you how much time, money and other resources we all spent trying to help him. In the end, we discovered, we were just enabling him.
I know you already realize that your son is a grown man. Please bear this in mind. I know you feel responsible for him but honestly, by continuing to enable him, you are not allowing him to grow and learn on his own. Also, I also have A.D.D. and I will tell you that yes, it makes life difficult but it is no excuse for being irresponsible about your own life. I am a VERY responsible person and I have A.D.D. so he cannot use that as an excuse.
It is VERY common for people with A.D.D. to also be diagnosed BiPolar. Some experts will argue that they truly have BOTH diseases but others argue that the symptoms of A.D.D. merely mimic BiPolar. Either way, you should know, that until and unless HE decides to do something about his issues, you are only going to drive yourself crazy and further exhaust yourself.
I did. I drove myself crazy trying to fix my brother, trying to make up for his "inabilities," make right his wrongs, care for the family HE should have been caring for, etc. After a certain point, when I realized that if I went one more step I would go MAD, I had to cut him off completely and let him sink or swim on his own. I did not speak to him for approximately a year and a half or two years. It was the BEST thing I could ever do for myself. I got the chaos and toxicity of him and his wife OUT of my life. I removed a HUGE burden from my life and finally was truly able to focus on me and what I NEEDED for ME 100%. It allowed me to find my peace and serenity for the first time in my life. And it gave him the opportunity to sink or swim. He sank for a while but then, by the grace of God, he began to swim. He has been clean and sober for a few years now and my entire family is grateful.
I hope something in this story is helpful to you.