I haven't really been around the forum for awhile, but today I needed some ESH and the very first post is about 'the talk'. I had a 'talk' with ah last night, although since being in al anon now for 2 years, my talk has improved.
He has been sober since Jan 09, with a small slip around xmas. As the summer has unfolded, he's had a few more, one big one, and now he seems to be making it a fairly regular thing to have a few light beers with his softball team. He was in AA for 6 months then dropped it, and now we occasionally go to a couples meeting when we have babysitting.
I just told him how I felt, and that it doesn't matter if he likes it or not, it's what I feel. I told him that was seems innocuous to him is very different for me, because drinking stands for what nearly tanked this marriage. He says he feels awkward not to drink when everyone around him is, but he's grown and matured and maybe things are different. He said he had no issue walking away with unopened beers still there, because he knew he had committed to coming home and doesn't like the consequences of a hangover. I listened and then dropped it. Feels kind of like the loop we used to do, but just longer in between. Of course it doesn't matter what he says - I wanted to have open communication about it, but I know that his actions are really what matters.
Yesterday I attended my regular al anon meeting. It was about the 6th tradition, about not letting power, money and prestige to divert us from our primary spiritual goal. This helped me immensely, and so I share here to maybe help someone else. I've had trouble with how to treat him and act after slips. This reminded me that my primary spiritual aim is to have serenity in my life and happiness for myself and for my young daughter. If I keep that top of mind, then anything he does or doesn't do won't faze me. I don't have to give his negative stuff energy and divert from my path. If he starts down a path of destruction then I will have faith that my spiritual path will lead me to serenity, whatever that looks like (i.e. with or without him). It really helps ease my burden, although I'm too struggling with the 'nervousness' of what can come.