Larkspur

It took me a long time to decide to do this, mostly because I didn't know whether or not I needed to do this.

I didn't drink much before my mid-20s. But over the last 10 years (I'm 34), my drinking has increased bit by bit. Now a typical week might involve one to three glasses of wine with a friend after work or at a social event, two or three nights a week. Another night I might drink a bottle by myself at home (I live alone) because I'm bored, or have decided I've had a hard day. And another night might be a big night out, where I'll have anywhere from four to ten glasses of wine.

I know this is well over the healthy limit for a woman. For the last three months I've been consciously moderating my alcohol intake. What this has meant is four or five alcohol free days a week, with one or two days of one or two glasses, and one big night. It's these binges that bother me most. Even though I haven't suffered any extreme consequences (never had a DUI, never not known how I got home or done anything critically embarrassing, or gotten hurt, or ended up anywhere stupid), I've done my share of things I consider regrettable... stupid conversations only half-remembered; ending up in bed with people I probably shouldn't have ended up in bed with; taking sick days because I was too hungover to face work (admittedly it was a job I hated, so it was a convenient excuse).

Part of the reason I've found it hard to decide to quit has been that I can have just one or two (even though I usually want more), paired with the lack of extreme consequences. But as I've read here several times, the right question is: How bad do I want it to get? I figure the point at which I Googled 'How to quit drinking' is probably the point where I should have started to follow through. I've thought about doing this for over a year, and a couple of times have taken from two-four weeks off the booze. At those times I felt really good, but it was hard to face the idea of never drinking again.

Right now I'm on six days (declared my independence from alcohol on Independence Day, even though I'm not in the US!). Had a friend over tonight, to whom I would normally offer a glass of wine, but instead offered tea. I have a couple of parties on Saturday night that I think will be hard work, but I've decided to tell people I'm not drinking because I'm taking painkillers for a temporary condition (which is true, but they're not ones that are contraindicted against alcohol).

I know my biggest trap will be telling myself I'm 'not that bad' and that moderation is possible. But I also know that if I allow myself to have one or two sometimes, I will also allow myself to have nine or ten sometimes. What am I saying? Sometimes? Every week is what I mean.

Anyway. Hi, y'all.