So, two things.
I think Alanon is about helping us find our center enough that we can either
a) find serenity in our relationship with our alcoholic, or
b) realize we can't find that and leave so that we may find it -
meaning our own peace and well being and growth becomes paramount - more than the relationship or him or anything else.
If you are not finding peace through Alanon while in your relationship, that is a message to you about your relationship - not Alanon.
The second thing, is I have a wonderful husband (read some of my earlier posts). He is not abusive. He is GREAT!
AND he over-drinks, drinks in secret and lies about it. When I let that be (for almost 10 years), we were great, almost IDEAL; he never seemed drunk, he is a great partner. He has tons in common with me.
Only occasionally would I get hints that he was lying and I would doubt myself, etc. or he would be down and extra sensitive/defensive (which I didn't think of as depression till now).
When I started talking about his drinking and how the above mentioned problems needed to be addressed, he CHANGED! He has gotten grumpy/defensive/sad/mad/hopeless/shut down/sarcastic/snotty, etc.
Who is this stranger??!?
I did a LOT of "but he's really great and..." and "maybe I'm just being demanding and unreasonable..." and "maybe I'm just overly judgmental and unfair and un-accepting..."
But, ultimately, its about me asking myself:
What do I need?
What do I want?
What is unacceptable?
What is a deal breaker?
What am I worth?
And I'll tell you, I am worth more than being lied to.
And you are worth more than throwing things at a wall to deal with your rage.
Is that the relationship you deserve?
Hugs,
Peace