Hello and bit more
Hello Everyone.
I'm not sure how I found this place but I suspect Google played a part in it.
The better half of today has been spent reading these threads. I've already learned alot but I've realized I know nothing. Most importantly, I realized that I'm probably not special and that very thought seems to be lighting a spark for me.
Please pardon any mis-use of acronyms. I'll get it down.
My posting name is exactly how I always feel. I'm always walking on eggshells. I don't know what I am. Codependent? Enabler? A Victim? Do I need to have a label?
My entire life I've been exposed to this disease from both parents while growing up to a certain level of heavy drinking on my own. Currently, I'm married to what I believe to be an AW. We have not been married long and we have a 1 year old son. The writing has always been on the wall but I paid no attention to it until we became responsible for a little one. Before then, it was simply brutal fights inflicting total mental devastation and things said that will never be forgotten. Everybody told me that fighting was typical the first few years of marriage. They followed that statement with a whisper of a laugh. I harbor tons of remorse, regret and my trust in her is completely gone.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being sucked down or towards some dark place and made to feel that I trigger her and I am wrong. I sometimes question my own sanity even during her episodes, which have now become a weekly thing and not always on the weekends. Will this disease grow to a daily struggle? I hope not. Can I hack it if it does? I don't know. Then again, I hate going home so perhaps for me, it already is a daily struggle regardless of her current state of intoxication. It's not 24/7 but I guess between heavy drunkenness, she's sobering up so I doubt if I'm ever really talking with the women I fell in love with. Sometimes I feel pushed towards that which I detest. I have tons of anger but I'm becoming numb.
I think I understand the concept of detachment but again, it's hard to do with a little one. I've read that people have certain ways they detach or deal with things but I'm not sure how people are dealing with those passive aggressive alcoholics and I don't know how they're doing it with a little baby in the mix. Financially, things would be tough if I were to file papers. Fact is, I would be destroyed and I don't see any recovery from that, given my personal state as well as the economic circumstances.
Well that's about it, I guess. I am reading through the stickies and doing research on local Al-Anon groups. I know that I need to find myself but I must ensure my son comes first. I don't know if this is the right approach.
Thanks for the ear. Or the eyes. Seeking for and finding a forum like this, reading, registering and posting my general story on my first post is a monster thing for me to do.