timeheals

Hi all,

What a wonderful place to find. And in finding it, I have found some peace.
Denial has been my best friend for a few years now. I have not been able to see things for what they are. My husband was not alcohol dependant! He just enjoyed to drink. And me I denied the pain that it caused.

I met my husband over 5 years ago, he was divorced 2 children, I was single 2 children. We married 18 months later. And now have 2 children together. He drank from the day I met him, certainly not like he does now. But remarkably even in it's beginnings it caused fights. His drunken perception, would cause him to say the most hurtful things to me. I accepted it as just one of those things that would happen from time to time. At some stage, and I can't even say when, my husband went from getting drunk on weekends to drinking every night of the week. Which over the last three years has gone onto him getting drunk every night of the week. Has gone from him drinking a bottle of whiskey every weekend, to one every 2 nights, or on alot of occasions nearly a full bottle every night. He wont even eat with dinner with the family. My nightly routine consists of him walking through the door, saying hello to each individual person, then making a drink and going outside to drink and smoke and talk on the phone. He comes back in to make drinks then straight back out the door. When he runs out of people to talk to on the phone, he starts on me. My psychologist asked me, what do you do to escape? Do you go to bed? I spend the night watching him, gauging what his mood is, how much has he drank? Wondering will this be the night I cop an earfull of his abuse. I don't go to bed to escape, I gave up that charade a long time ago, he only comes and wakes me up, because he either suddenly realises there is some important matter to discuss, or he's decided that I have done something wrong therefor I need to be dealt with. I am tired! I am so tired.
I have at times tried to point out to him that this fighting damages our relationship. And in some ways he has tried to keep some of the things he absuses me about in check. I have always tried to tell him in a way so as to not hurt his feelings! Silly me.
He went overseas at easter. When he returned I sat him down told him that he needed to get the drinking under control, that this stupid drunken merry-go-round was never going to stop. That he needed to stop getting drunk and absusing me. I did this in a way not to hurt his feelings.
Since that time I have been seeing a psychologist, and each week my husband and I go through the same conversation. Each week he says he will try. He would give me hope by having 1 or 2 nights where he didn't drink or didn't drink as much. A horrible rollercoaster of hope then despair.
He also told me a month ago, after he or course downed enough dutch courage, that while he was over seas that he had sex with another woman. A woman who is essence was a prostitute. I was effectively told not to feel bad about it because he was drunk and that on the second night she was too tired and went to sleep. Since then any comment I have made has been "un-called for".
Over the last week I have come to the realisation that my husband is an alcoholic or alcohol depandant, which ever, to me they are the same thing. He keeps telling me he needs time to sort out things, business etc. I say you are asking me to give you permission to drink. I can't do that. I have over past weeks told him that I will not and can not tolerate this forever. That I fear he will never stop, that it will only get worse, and that it will greatly affect our children. He can not see this, or more importantly he choses not to.
For what ever reason, I have in finally understanding what he is, gained strength. Once I could admit to myself that my husband was an alcoholic, I finally understood that this is not my battle to win. That no matter what I say to him he is never going to see not only what he is doing to himself, but to me and to our children.
I came here on Friday and spent hours reading, and in that gained more strength and understanding. It is this that gave me the strength to finally and truely confront my husband. Instead of telling him in a nice way, I gave it too him straight. Told him what he is, what he is facing. Told him he needed help both medically and psychologically. He told me doesn't. That its simple he just has to stop drinking, after all it is just a lack of discipline. I told him I wanted him to go away for a few days think about things, come back to me with a decision. He would not do that. Said he didn't need to, after all it's simple, I just stop drinking. I told him, this is it, you stop drinking or I am gone. Told him that I believed that he would only be able to see a future after he'd hit rock bottom and the only way I could get him to see that was to leave. That was Sunday, it is now Wednesday. My husband came home Monday night, didn't drink, told me he was feeling abit funny about what I had said to him. Told me that he couldn't believe that I was prepared to throw our childrens future away by leaving. How did I know they would be better off without him. All of these questions that were running through his mind. I simply said, all of those questions and feelings you are having, I know and understand, because it is exactly what I am thinking and feeling everyday. No I don't want to throw our childrens lives away, I am trying to prevent that, but it's up to you! Are you prepared to drink it all away?
I know the game he is now playing, I am not stupid, I have been, but not anymore! I am not going to be guilted.
As I said today is Wednesday, my husband came home and drank last night. Didn't drink much out of the bottle, but he went and bought it before he came home, how many cans did he drink at his alcoholic friends house before he came home? I don't know. I don't care. Yes I am still here, I am biding my time so to speak. The end is near, I can't plan it, I just know that it is just around the next bend. Or bender if you will!

I feel strength. I feel saddness. I morn the man that I loved so much, and the life we could have had together. I feel for my children, and the effects that staying or leaving will have on them. I feel that denial has been my worst enemy, yet understanding will be my new best friend.

I know the end is near, and I know my husband will not try to save this, he will be too busy wallowing in a bottle, telling people how unreasonable I am.

I love(d) him, I can't save him. This is not my battle to win. Nor is it my resposibility to save him. Only he can do that. I have made peace with my decision.

Thank you all for listening to me, and to all that have shared their stories, it has helped me.