artist

I have been in a relationship with R for 5 1/2 years. He started drinking heavily about a year ago. Looking back, I see that he's had a problem for most of his life,(since 16) but he was sober when I met him and had maintained that sobriety, with some slips, until last summer. We've had some horrendous fights about it since then, culminating in a really bad one in April that finally woke me up to the truth. I've started seeing a therapist, and doing some reading at HIS advice that I seek help with HIS alcoholism. (?!) My therapist made the observation that most partners of alcoholics realize that it's an untenable position when they seek help--and he may realize this.

He's extremely high functioning-well respected/liked at his high level/paying job in healthcare and in his volunteer activities as the local chairman of the board for a well known charity. People here and there have witnessed him being drunk-he often gets drunk at fundraising events where there's always lots of alcohol--but no one sees it all put together like I do. They also don't see the at home drinking.

For example; this week--his weekly guys' date with his best friend on Wednesday: drunk. Drink 3 beers and Jack Daniels until I went to bed at 11 pm on Thursday. Friday: an art event with me and then start on the new 12 pack of beer. Saturday. Go out with me and sip two glasses of wine over two hours but then stop and pick up a 12 pack on the way home. Sunday; we arrive separately to meet friends for pre-fireworks dinner at 6 pm, but he doesn't eat, of course. He's drunk by 7:30. He's a big man and it takes a lot to get him drunk. He drinks very fast and huge quantities.

AND he drives home at midninght. I no longer fight him about this; this was the beginning of the huge fight in April, when I took his keys, because we'd arrived separately.

My confusion: i read over and over again how alcoholics mess up their lives so badly and that's when they will recognize what they're doing, if they are ever going to. I'm convinced of his alcoholism, but I am the main one suffering from it. His 16 year old is aware of it, but since she doesn't live with us, she doesn't deal with it. He drinks in front of her, but doesn't become obviously drunk. MY 16 year old is very aware and I know that I need to follow through on my plans to separate from him for her sake, as well.

He's mostly a benign drunk; but is verbally vicious when he gets angry at me when he's drunk. I was shocked at myself for letting him drive home last night when I knew he was so drunk, but I am just so tired of it all. I WANTED him to get arrested. I even looked for a cop, but didn't go so far as to report him myself. And is that even right, to report him?

I keep thinking that maybe he's not so bad, he's not really alcoholic, because he's otherwise doing so well, although at this point, our relationship is a mess. We make love very infrequently because I can't feel anything for him when he starts drinking, even one beer, because I know where it's going.

i am just so sad, disappointed, and angry. I loved the quote I saw here about how false hope prevents one from seeing real opportunity. I do have to end this relationship, don't I? Or at least get some physical distance.