SuperMega

i hate the person that alcoholism has made me. i have lost my ultra firm body, my face looks older and i turn into a real classless idiot when i overdrink. i am frustrated with the ebb and flow in and out of sobriety. it is if i just want to wake up and it's a month, no a year later and have been sober the entire time. how sad is that? i love life, i love nature, i love learning but this BEAST has made living hell.
i want to commit to being completely sober. i want to make it through this fourth of july weekend clean and bright eyed. i want... but i have a fear that i won't.
last month i went for 7 days without drinking in a row. that is a personal best in the past 5 years that i have been an alcoholic. after that i fell into a week of binge drinking, got the shakes, major anxiety all the classic symptoms and pulled out of it. i would go a day and then drink. then two days and then drink every day for a week. thursday i was sober... last night i drank 4 beers and two glasses of wine at a going away party. i don't remember going to bed.
i woke up at 5am. pretty usual as i like to be at the gym by 5:30. alas, i do not feel 100% this morning. even though i brushed my teeth the wretch of alcohol is still coming up from my gut. i am sick of being a drinker.
i feel like i am on the verge of being able to hold onto sobriety and i really hope joining this community will be one more tool in my tool belt to actually quit.
sorry for the mild rant with little background info. i just feel like i needed to spit this out.
so.... am i ready to admit that i can't be a social drinker? am i ready to stop
for good?
yeah. i'm gonna do it.
i want my banging body back, i want the respect of my gorgeous husband back. i want the pulse of life back in my veins. i am so ready to start living my days instead of dying in them.