I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. You know the depression causes us not to care much about ourselves. When we go through all these emotions we don't want people looking at us. Everyone seems to be living life around us and we feel like we are in a bubble by ourselves.
We've experienced a lot of loss and trauma and I don't know if "happiness" will ever really be a part of my life, but I've learned to be content and that's a lot better than it used to be.
You're still in the middle of the battle. When you've tried everything and done all that you can you will grieve and come to a place of acceptance. There is always hope, but we can't live in the hope. We need to live in the here and now and make it the best we can even when it doesn't have a lot to offer. 15 years ago I lived in emotional pain. I never thought I would feel as good as I do today. 15 years from now there may be even more healing. We can't judge the future by what we're like today. We can feel better even though our circumstances don't improve. We can learn to do it from the inside out.
It's 2am here and I'm starting to ramble so I better stop. You're not alone Sidney. The doctors wouldn't give Jared the medication if they didn't feel it's the best thing to do too. I don't know a lot, but the defibrillator sounds like a good plan. If you start to feel too depressed please go talk to someone. I know it can get really hard and there is only so much we can take.
Hugs,
MG