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Old 06-29-2010, 06:01 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Hurtingbad
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kitchener Ontario
Posts: 9
Yep, we're doing the same thing. I'm really angry at myself again this morning. After he sent his text saying the drinking isn't the only reason we broke up, and If I thought that I had a lot of thinking to do, I texted him back. #$%@%^!!! I swore I wouldn't do that. But for some reason, I can't let it go. I told him that I do care for him, and even love him, but I can't think of any of the reasons we broke up that don't go back to drinking. NOTHING... I do have a bit of a personality problem. When I can't figure something out, I study it and learn about it until I find a solution. that's why i've been so successful in my career. I have never found a problem I couldn't figure out. This is just so foreign to me. I feel so angry, so cheated. I'm mad I didn't see his problems beforeI moved in with him. I'm mad for every time I took him back after he got abusive. I'm mad that I'm going to Al-Anon tonight, because this never should have been my problem. I'm mad for being lied to so many times. I'm mad for believing in him. I'm angry at the alcohol industry, I saw a bus shelter add for discount beer, and I wanted to drive right into it and smash it to pieces. I'm angry at his parents for not supporting him. I'm mad at his parents for putting airplane size bottles in his Christmas stocking when he was 13. I know now that he has been getting drunk since he was 11 years old. I'm mad that he says the he's made progress, because he used to be addicted to cocaine and street drugs and he beat that. NO HE DIDN'T... He replaced it with alcohol. I think I have to do the opposite of what people have been telling me. Love the person hate the disease. I can't do that. I can't love the person anymore. I tried to love him, and I only got my feelings thrown back at me. I was neglected, I was abused, I could never compete with the Lamb's rum bottle. I think I'm so messed up because of the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde thing. There were times where he would go from caring to angry, in less that 10 minutes. My God why did I put up with this. I'm actually more mad at myself than him. He was just being himself, I was the one compromising myself. Because I'm a caring person. I see anyone, even strangers that need help, and I do what I can. So when people I'm close to cry for help, I do my best.

All in all I'm just way too overwhealmed. I'm having issues with coming out gay two years ago. I'm having issues with my ex-wife going through severe cancer treatments for a brain tumour. I'm trying to keep my kids happy through all of this. I'm commuting an hour and a half to work, because I couldn't live with him anymore. and now I have to deal with his disease.

Too much.
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